[I'm just going to assume Matsui is at this creepy fucking house
Thankfully Kaveh's Constant Bad Feelings are overruled by the general vibe of Horror Movie Anxiety for the moment, as he looks over his shoulder for like the fifth time]
Ugh--whatever's back there, just come out already!
[From the gloom of the house emerges........ More gloom..........
Truly Matsui just steps from the shadows like a vampire, radiating the energy of an ailing seaside Victorian staring longingly out at the waves from their sickbed, trying to accept the fact that their beloved simply won't make it down the rough wagon trail before he passes away of the wasting disease.
IE it's mostly just melancholy and a vague undercurrent of Catholic guilt, but also a little thread of curiosity. And some vague contentedness, because he is in a spooky, damp, funky little place.]
HELP NOT THE SHRIEKING. There's a little blip of startlement and Matsui raises his hands.]
I wished to be away from the sunlight... [HELP.] My apologies. People don't seem to enjoy it here, so I had gone to take a rest. I didn't expect anyone else to enter.
[EVERYONE BEING SUDDENLY FORCED TO REMEMBER THAT MATSUI IS A FREAK all is right with the world... He glances around at that, though... How can he even see in this dampass dankass dimass lightning.]
Hm... I think that it is quite comforting, even if it's in a terrible shape...
But if Matsui is shifting to something more serious, Kaveh will too. There's still that odd, prickly discomfort of being watched, but as it mellows, the rest of his constant, underlying negativity is a little more noticeable--weariness, sorrow, and an old, ever-present guilt. It doesn't show on his face, though.]
[Matching general underlying vibes... Just two ailing seaside Victorians with their melancholia and guilt.
There's a little complex knot of something as Matsui folds his hands together. He has, at least, worked out most of how he feels about this, and most of what he wants to say, so his words are lacking in uncertainty even in their softness.]
...Human hearts are a terrible thing. [THANKS SIR.] I understand that it is impossible for any person to control them, and that they don't listen to logic or do what we wish. Even so, if you still harbor anger and resentment toward Buzen, I would like to share in it.
[Ah--there's a flicker of surprise, but it fades quickly. He should've expected this, probably; he may not know much about them, but it was obvious even before Thursday that they're very close. Looking at it now, perhaps the only real surprise is that Matsui says "share," rather than trying to claim the burden wholly for himself.
There's a swirl of complicated emotion from him then--too many things to untangle. But, noticeably, there's a lack of anger, which Kaveh will verbally confirm.]
I'm not angry anymore. Not at him, I mean. [Because he is still angry--at the cruel, senseless situation they've been trapped, regardless of the promise of resurrection at the end. At D, who had so calmly said that Rin's killer could see he was still on the path of taking many things for granted. At himself, because he'd already suspected D by then, based purely on Rang's behavior when they'd spoken--but he wasn't sure enough. He hadn't been sure enough when it counted.
There's a swell of guilt, like a wave far out at sea.]
It was worse that day, with... you know. Whatever it was that made us act so strangely. [He would've felt somewhat betrayed regardless, he knows, because this whole thing touched on such deeply personal matters. But the red string had made it so much worse. The pull to be close to someone who had seemed, at the time, equal parts victim and accomplice--he hadn't been able to stand it. Not when he saw Haru's stricken expression every time his fury receded.] But I can't hold caution against you all.
[A pause, then he admits--] I can't exactly say I'm pleased. It's still difficult not to think that you all could've done more. But--I understand that that's easier for me to say from the outside.
[Not everyone is Cyno, Alhaitham. And even they might've been stymied by the threat of unknown consequences. With a little time to settle, it's easier to acknowledge that.]
It's not for me to forgive you either way. But you don't need to worry. I don't intend to treat him with hostility.
[Buzen specifically because he treats Rang with hostility all the time for reasons that are completely unrelated to murder]
[Matsui truly thinks that Rang deserves the hostility he gets because he LITERALLY SETS HIMSELF UP FOR IT LIKE THE DUMB KDRAMA VILLAIN HE IS so this is fine enough. He's satisfied to know that Buzen isn't going to suffer from the full weight of his initial anger. It's hard, to remind himself that it's such a complicated, ugly situation. Hearts never listen to anyone. They'll feel whatever, for whomever, regardless of input or logic.
In any case, he also feels like he could have done more, so he can't fault Kaveh for thinking so, too. It's only because he's so fiercely protective and so deeply in love with Buzen that it hurts to think of that same logic applied to him, even if they took the same actions and made the same choices. It's always different, when it's himself versus those he loves.
His emotions are, for the most part, just settled into a vaguely morose acceptance. He'd been expecting to run into Kaveh and have more to say than this, but it pretty much ties things up neatly, as far as he's concerned.]
I would prefer if others only had to try to understand from the outside. I do not wish this upon any of you.
[But there's a tired feeling of resignation even as he says this, because it's going to keep happening, whether through messages like D had stated or through people acting out of fear, hope, love, hate, any number or combination of potent human emotion.]
...But I am glad to hear that, all the same. [A little more quietly:] It wouldn't be right for him to shoulder the burden when we learned the same thing at the same time, and chose how to handle the matter together.
This is fair, though. Kaveh doesn't really need to feel Matsui's emotions to know that they're generally on the same page--their discussion made that clear enough.]
...I can't imagine how it must've felt. [Being betrayed in that way. He may feel guilty for taking his feelings out on Buzen, but that's more because he dislikes the harm he causes when he's hurt and angry, rather than a belief that he shouldn't have expressed his discontent. Still--if there's anything he really does regret, it's not expressing this. Not fully explaining how difficult it is for him to imagine of his teammates telling him, belatedly, that they'd taken an innocent life. Nahida would never, and Shu, despite probably being more willing to kill than they are, has never given him any indication that he would, either. Kaveh's been deeply hurt by a friend before, but despite the scars it left on him, that was nothing comparable to what Matsui and the others went through over the weekend. He knows that, regardless of how he feels about the rest.
He sighs, though.]
It's not that I don't understand where you're coming from. [Because he does, probably more than he should.] And I don't intend to force innocence on you. But it's harder. We went through all of that together, after all.
[It was why he'd known that Matsui couldn't have killed Rin, and that Buzen surely wouldn't have either. Buzen wouldn't have left Matsui's side that night.]
There's a little flicker of something resentful in his emotional spread for a second, though. It was a betrayal in many major ways, after all - and one that he feels particularly guilty over, considering he had asked specifically to team up with D. No amount of reassurance that he didn't have time to really get to know anyone before teams were made could ease that guilt; it's just something else he'll have to carry.]
I still don't understand why he mentioned anything at all. He was silent the entire week, up until that last moment.
[AND THEN ANNA TOOK US ALL OUT IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
He shakes his head, though, because he knows well that pondering does nothing to ease heavy weights. If anything, it just worsens them.
The mention of their terrible adventure just has him feeling more grim and solemn, the guilt still there as he struggles with his response.]
...I was not of much help to you or anyone else, at that time.
[DID THEY REALLY GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS JUST DISASSOCIATING!!!!]
[ANNA REALLY DID THIS TO Y'ALL HELP I'M IN TEARS. Kaveh does not know of Anna's dastardly deeds; he just nods, and his emotions are... understanding, but not overwhelmingly sympathetic.
They suffered, too. And he feels for them, he does. But it's just as he'd said--it's difficult to think they couldn't have done more, no matter how much he acknowledges his own bias. Matsui doesn't want absolution from him anyway, so he doesn't even feel that guilty about it. And he certainly doesn't feel anything but resentment and anger toward D, but he doesn't know the story there, and doesn't ask.
That said, he shakes his head.]
That doesn't matter. [He doesn't necessarily agree with that anyway, since Matsui did help them fight, but more importantly--] You still saw what we saw.
[ANNA DID THISSSSSSSS but this works well enough for him because frankly, sympathy hurts him in worse ways than blame does. He would rather Buzen not be the one to suffer through accusations of not doing enough when he pretty much grabbed Froggystyle and shoved them through the final vote door, but he of all swords know that humans react to what they see and know, whatever that may be.
The Catholic Guilt™ increases further on hearing that, though, because. Like. Yeah, he had been there, and he'd seen what they saw. But even though he's fond enough of Shu and Jonas, and quite likes Shenhe, their deaths hadn't been traumatic to him in the way that he imagines it must have been for the other three. He feels detached from the experience the rest of them shared, because he emotionally was, having never really recovered after losing Buzen. It leaves him in a strange place, and the knot of emotions is tricky and unpleasant.]
--I am used to such things.
[Any even remote softness that may have been afforded to him because of some apparent bond through trauma is, as far as he's concerned, not something he's the least bit deserving of.]
I am a sword and not a human. Please remember this.
[It's a helpful reminder, in a way. It is painfully easy to forget that, when Buzen and Matsui seem so... well, maybe not normal, but no stranger than anyone else.
But this is Kaveh. Kaveh, who has a kind word even for the person that's kept him near-destitute. Who, long before he ever spent any time around Nahida, wondered, Who looks out for her?]
I'll try. [Matsui deserves that much. Kaveh doesn't think he'll ever truly understand the world from Matsui's perspective--he doesn't know any spirits or magical beings, has never fought anything but his own battles--but he doesn't want to disrespect Matsui.
Still, he hesitates.] I don't know what happened before we came together. But I don't think you all are any less deserving of empathy than the rest of us.
[Even if they're as different as could be, even if they live in very different worlds--Matsui is still standing before him. Kaveh can feel his emotions, just as he knows Matsui must be feeling his. That's not something Kaveh can disregard so easily. It's why he doesn't hate Rang, for all that he's willing to get in his face and pick a fight; Kaveh simply cannot turn off his empathy, even when, perhaps, he should.]
[The reminder of what had happened before they met up makes a swell of deep melancholy rise up in him, like the upward pulse of an enormous creature moving its slow way miles below the surface. It wasn't real, but he still can't let the pain of it go.
Still, one thing becomes clear to him in this moment. He regards Kaveh's face with a relatively impassive look, the sharpness of his gaze due in part to how bright his eyes are. Without the tie of emotionshare, it would be extremely difficult to read what he's feeling by expression alone.
But the emotion behind it is a sort of morose apology, like he's witnessed something tragic that he knows he can't do anything about.]
You have been burdened with a tender heart.
[It's not a terrible thing to be empathetic. Humanity needs empathy to survive. But it's a weight, and that weight can be crushing, and he feels for Kaveh accordingly.]
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week 2, monday
Thankfully Kaveh's Constant Bad Feelings are overruled by the general vibe of Horror Movie Anxiety for the moment, as he looks over his shoulder for like the fifth time]
Ugh--whatever's back there, just come out already!
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Truly Matsui just steps from the shadows like a vampire, radiating the energy of an ailing seaside Victorian staring longingly out at the waves from their sickbed, trying to accept the fact that their beloved simply won't make it down the rough wagon trail before he passes away of the wasting disease.
IE it's mostly just melancholy and a vague undercurrent of Catholic guilt, but also a little thread of curiosity. And some vague contentedness, because he is in a spooky, damp, funky little place.]
Are you speaking to me?
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In fact Kaveh just fucking shrieks, startled]
--You scared me! What are you doing in the shadows like that?!
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HELP NOT THE SHRIEKING. There's a little blip of startlement and Matsui raises his hands.]
I wished to be away from the sunlight... [HELP.] My apologies. People don't seem to enjoy it here, so I had gone to take a rest. I didn't expect anyone else to enter.
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Well now Kaveh feels kind of bad for bothering him even though it's so stupid]
Ah, well... in that case, I should apologize for disturbing you...?
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[Just Matsui staring out at the metaphoric sea from his shadowy corner in a serial killer house.]
Were you simply exploring...?
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Yes--or, well, I was, but then I saw what terrible shape this place is in and I couldn't resist the urge to take a look.
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Hm... I think that it is quite comforting, even if it's in a terrible shape...
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It's going to fall down on your head if you sneeze too loudly!
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[THE VAGUELY CONTENT VIBES THAT SURFACE AS HE THINKS OF BEING BURIED ALIVE IN A COLLAPSED SERIAL KILLER HOUSE.]
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[Said like this "THIS IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM".]
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[IS THIS A SWORD THING? DOES BUZEN ALSO WANT TO GET BURIED? He's starting to wonder]
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Anyway, with that brief detour off to the side, Matsui's demeanor grows a little more morose. His ailing Victorian vibes...]
Kaveh... Since you're here, there is something that I wish to discuss with you, if possible.
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But if Matsui is shifting to something more serious, Kaveh will too. There's still that odd, prickly discomfort of being watched, but as it mellows, the rest of his constant, underlying negativity is a little more noticeable--weariness, sorrow, and an old, ever-present guilt. It doesn't show on his face, though.]
What is it?
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There's a little complex knot of something as Matsui folds his hands together. He has, at least, worked out most of how he feels about this, and most of what he wants to say, so his words are lacking in uncertainty even in their softness.]
...Human hearts are a terrible thing. [THANKS SIR.] I understand that it is impossible for any person to control them, and that they don't listen to logic or do what we wish. Even so, if you still harbor anger and resentment toward Buzen, I would like to share in it.
[BE ANGRY WITH HIM TOO!!!]
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There's a swirl of complicated emotion from him then--too many things to untangle. But, noticeably, there's a lack of anger, which Kaveh will verbally confirm.]
I'm not angry anymore. Not at him, I mean. [Because he is still angry--at the cruel, senseless situation they've been trapped, regardless of the promise of resurrection at the end. At D, who had so calmly said that Rin's killer could see he was still on the path of taking many things for granted. At himself, because he'd already suspected D by then, based purely on Rang's behavior when they'd spoken--but he wasn't sure enough. He hadn't been sure enough when it counted.
There's a swell of guilt, like a wave far out at sea.]
It was worse that day, with... you know. Whatever it was that made us act so strangely. [He would've felt somewhat betrayed regardless, he knows, because this whole thing touched on such deeply personal matters. But the red string had made it so much worse. The pull to be close to someone who had seemed, at the time, equal parts victim and accomplice--he hadn't been able to stand it. Not when he saw Haru's stricken expression every time his fury receded.] But I can't hold caution against you all.
[A pause, then he admits--] I can't exactly say I'm pleased. It's still difficult not to think that you all could've done more. But--I understand that that's easier for me to say from the outside.
[Not everyone is Cyno, Alhaitham. And even they might've been stymied by the threat of unknown consequences. With a little time to settle, it's easier to acknowledge that.]
It's not for me to forgive you either way. But you don't need to worry. I don't intend to treat him with hostility.
[Buzen specifically because he treats Rang with hostility all the time for reasons that are completely unrelated to murder]
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In any case, he also feels like he could have done more, so he can't fault Kaveh for thinking so, too. It's only because he's so fiercely protective and so deeply in love with Buzen that it hurts to think of that same logic applied to him, even if they took the same actions and made the same choices. It's always different, when it's himself versus those he loves.
His emotions are, for the most part, just settled into a vaguely morose acceptance. He'd been expecting to run into Kaveh and have more to say than this, but it pretty much ties things up neatly, as far as he's concerned.]
I would prefer if others only had to try to understand from the outside. I do not wish this upon any of you.
[But there's a tired feeling of resignation even as he says this, because it's going to keep happening, whether through messages like D had stated or through people acting out of fear, hope, love, hate, any number or combination of potent human emotion.]
...But I am glad to hear that, all the same. [A little more quietly:] It wouldn't be right for him to shoulder the burden when we learned the same thing at the same time, and chose how to handle the matter together.
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This is fair, though. Kaveh doesn't really need to feel Matsui's emotions to know that they're generally on the same page--their discussion made that clear enough.]
...I can't imagine how it must've felt. [Being betrayed in that way. He may feel guilty for taking his feelings out on Buzen, but that's more because he dislikes the harm he causes when he's hurt and angry, rather than a belief that he shouldn't have expressed his discontent. Still--if there's anything he really does regret, it's not expressing this. Not fully explaining how difficult it is for him to imagine of his teammates telling him, belatedly, that they'd taken an innocent life. Nahida would never, and Shu, despite probably being more willing to kill than they are, has never given him any indication that he would, either. Kaveh's been deeply hurt by a friend before, but despite the scars it left on him, that was nothing comparable to what Matsui and the others went through over the weekend. He knows that, regardless of how he feels about the rest.
He sighs, though.]
It's not that I don't understand where you're coming from. [Because he does, probably more than he should.] And I don't intend to force innocence on you. But it's harder. We went through all of that together, after all.
[It was why he'd known that Matsui couldn't have killed Rin, and that Buzen surely wouldn't have either. Buzen wouldn't have left Matsui's side that night.]
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There's a little flicker of something resentful in his emotional spread for a second, though. It was a betrayal in many major ways, after all - and one that he feels particularly guilty over, considering he had asked specifically to team up with D. No amount of reassurance that he didn't have time to really get to know anyone before teams were made could ease that guilt; it's just something else he'll have to carry.]
I still don't understand why he mentioned anything at all. He was silent the entire week, up until that last moment.
[AND THEN ANNA TOOK US ALL OUT IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
He shakes his head, though, because he knows well that pondering does nothing to ease heavy weights. If anything, it just worsens them.
The mention of their terrible adventure just has him feeling more grim and solemn, the guilt still there as he struggles with his response.]
...I was not of much help to you or anyone else, at that time.
[DID THEY REALLY GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS JUST DISASSOCIATING!!!!]
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They suffered, too. And he feels for them, he does. But it's just as he'd said--it's difficult to think they couldn't have done more, no matter how much he acknowledges his own bias. Matsui doesn't want absolution from him anyway, so he doesn't even feel that guilty about it. And he certainly doesn't feel anything but resentment and anger toward D, but he doesn't know the story there, and doesn't ask.
That said, he shakes his head.]
That doesn't matter. [He doesn't necessarily agree with that anyway, since Matsui did help them fight, but more importantly--] You still saw what we saw.
[YOU CAN DISASSOCIATE AND ALSO BE TRAUMATIZED]
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The Catholic Guilt™ increases further on hearing that, though, because. Like. Yeah, he had been there, and he'd seen what they saw. But even though he's fond enough of Shu and Jonas, and quite likes Shenhe, their deaths hadn't been traumatic to him in the way that he imagines it must have been for the other three. He feels detached from the experience the rest of them shared, because he emotionally was, having never really recovered after losing Buzen. It leaves him in a strange place, and the knot of emotions is tricky and unpleasant.]
--I am used to such things.
[Any even remote softness that may have been afforded to him because of some apparent bond through trauma is, as far as he's concerned, not something he's the least bit deserving of.]
I am a sword and not a human. Please remember this.
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But this is Kaveh. Kaveh, who has a kind word even for the person that's kept him near-destitute. Who, long before he ever spent any time around Nahida, wondered, Who looks out for her?]
I'll try. [Matsui deserves that much. Kaveh doesn't think he'll ever truly understand the world from Matsui's perspective--he doesn't know any spirits or magical beings, has never fought anything but his own battles--but he doesn't want to disrespect Matsui.
Still, he hesitates.] I don't know what happened before we came together. But I don't think you all are any less deserving of empathy than the rest of us.
[Even if they're as different as could be, even if they live in very different worlds--Matsui is still standing before him. Kaveh can feel his emotions, just as he knows Matsui must be feeling his. That's not something Kaveh can disregard so easily. It's why he doesn't hate Rang, for all that he's willing to get in his face and pick a fight; Kaveh simply cannot turn off his empathy, even when, perhaps, he should.]
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Still, one thing becomes clear to him in this moment. He regards Kaveh's face with a relatively impassive look, the sharpness of his gaze due in part to how bright his eyes are. Without the tie of emotionshare, it would be extremely difficult to read what he's feeling by expression alone.
But the emotion behind it is a sort of morose apology, like he's witnessed something tragic that he knows he can't do anything about.]
You have been burdened with a tender heart.
[It's not a terrible thing to be empathetic. Humanity needs empathy to survive. But it's a weight, and that weight can be crushing, and he feels for Kaveh accordingly.]