There's a little flicker of something resentful in his emotional spread for a second, though. It was a betrayal in many major ways, after all - and one that he feels particularly guilty over, considering he had asked specifically to team up with D. No amount of reassurance that he didn't have time to really get to know anyone before teams were made could ease that guilt; it's just something else he'll have to carry.]
I still don't understand why he mentioned anything at all. He was silent the entire week, up until that last moment.
[AND THEN ANNA TOOK US ALL OUT IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
He shakes his head, though, because he knows well that pondering does nothing to ease heavy weights. If anything, it just worsens them.
The mention of their terrible adventure just has him feeling more grim and solemn, the guilt still there as he struggles with his response.]
...I was not of much help to you or anyone else, at that time.
[DID THEY REALLY GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS JUST DISASSOCIATING!!!!]
[ANNA REALLY DID THIS TO Y'ALL HELP I'M IN TEARS. Kaveh does not know of Anna's dastardly deeds; he just nods, and his emotions are... understanding, but not overwhelmingly sympathetic.
They suffered, too. And he feels for them, he does. But it's just as he'd said--it's difficult to think they couldn't have done more, no matter how much he acknowledges his own bias. Matsui doesn't want absolution from him anyway, so he doesn't even feel that guilty about it. And he certainly doesn't feel anything but resentment and anger toward D, but he doesn't know the story there, and doesn't ask.
That said, he shakes his head.]
That doesn't matter. [He doesn't necessarily agree with that anyway, since Matsui did help them fight, but more importantly--] You still saw what we saw.
[ANNA DID THISSSSSSSS but this works well enough for him because frankly, sympathy hurts him in worse ways than blame does. He would rather Buzen not be the one to suffer through accusations of not doing enough when he pretty much grabbed Froggystyle and shoved them through the final vote door, but he of all swords know that humans react to what they see and know, whatever that may be.
The Catholic Guilt™ increases further on hearing that, though, because. Like. Yeah, he had been there, and he'd seen what they saw. But even though he's fond enough of Shu and Jonas, and quite likes Shenhe, their deaths hadn't been traumatic to him in the way that he imagines it must have been for the other three. He feels detached from the experience the rest of them shared, because he emotionally was, having never really recovered after losing Buzen. It leaves him in a strange place, and the knot of emotions is tricky and unpleasant.]
--I am used to such things.
[Any even remote softness that may have been afforded to him because of some apparent bond through trauma is, as far as he's concerned, not something he's the least bit deserving of.]
I am a sword and not a human. Please remember this.
[It's a helpful reminder, in a way. It is painfully easy to forget that, when Buzen and Matsui seem so... well, maybe not normal, but no stranger than anyone else.
But this is Kaveh. Kaveh, who has a kind word even for the person that's kept him near-destitute. Who, long before he ever spent any time around Nahida, wondered, Who looks out for her?]
I'll try. [Matsui deserves that much. Kaveh doesn't think he'll ever truly understand the world from Matsui's perspective--he doesn't know any spirits or magical beings, has never fought anything but his own battles--but he doesn't want to disrespect Matsui.
Still, he hesitates.] I don't know what happened before we came together. But I don't think you all are any less deserving of empathy than the rest of us.
[Even if they're as different as could be, even if they live in very different worlds--Matsui is still standing before him. Kaveh can feel his emotions, just as he knows Matsui must be feeling his. That's not something Kaveh can disregard so easily. It's why he doesn't hate Rang, for all that he's willing to get in his face and pick a fight; Kaveh simply cannot turn off his empathy, even when, perhaps, he should.]
[The reminder of what had happened before they met up makes a swell of deep melancholy rise up in him, like the upward pulse of an enormous creature moving its slow way miles below the surface. It wasn't real, but he still can't let the pain of it go.
Still, one thing becomes clear to him in this moment. He regards Kaveh's face with a relatively impassive look, the sharpness of his gaze due in part to how bright his eyes are. Without the tie of emotionshare, it would be extremely difficult to read what he's feeling by expression alone.
But the emotion behind it is a sort of morose apology, like he's witnessed something tragic that he knows he can't do anything about.]
You have been burdened with a tender heart.
[It's not a terrible thing to be empathetic. Humanity needs empathy to survive. But it's a weight, and that weight can be crushing, and he feels for Kaveh accordingly.]
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no subject
There's a little flicker of something resentful in his emotional spread for a second, though. It was a betrayal in many major ways, after all - and one that he feels particularly guilty over, considering he had asked specifically to team up with D. No amount of reassurance that he didn't have time to really get to know anyone before teams were made could ease that guilt; it's just something else he'll have to carry.]
I still don't understand why he mentioned anything at all. He was silent the entire week, up until that last moment.
[AND THEN ANNA TOOK US ALL OUT IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
He shakes his head, though, because he knows well that pondering does nothing to ease heavy weights. If anything, it just worsens them.
The mention of their terrible adventure just has him feeling more grim and solemn, the guilt still there as he struggles with his response.]
...I was not of much help to you or anyone else, at that time.
[DID THEY REALLY GO THROUGH IT TOGETHER WHEN HE WAS JUST DISASSOCIATING!!!!]
no subject
They suffered, too. And he feels for them, he does. But it's just as he'd said--it's difficult to think they couldn't have done more, no matter how much he acknowledges his own bias. Matsui doesn't want absolution from him anyway, so he doesn't even feel that guilty about it. And he certainly doesn't feel anything but resentment and anger toward D, but he doesn't know the story there, and doesn't ask.
That said, he shakes his head.]
That doesn't matter. [He doesn't necessarily agree with that anyway, since Matsui did help them fight, but more importantly--] You still saw what we saw.
[YOU CAN DISASSOCIATE AND ALSO BE TRAUMATIZED]
no subject
The Catholic Guilt™ increases further on hearing that, though, because. Like. Yeah, he had been there, and he'd seen what they saw. But even though he's fond enough of Shu and Jonas, and quite likes Shenhe, their deaths hadn't been traumatic to him in the way that he imagines it must have been for the other three. He feels detached from the experience the rest of them shared, because he emotionally was, having never really recovered after losing Buzen. It leaves him in a strange place, and the knot of emotions is tricky and unpleasant.]
--I am used to such things.
[Any even remote softness that may have been afforded to him because of some apparent bond through trauma is, as far as he's concerned, not something he's the least bit deserving of.]
I am a sword and not a human. Please remember this.
no subject
But this is Kaveh. Kaveh, who has a kind word even for the person that's kept him near-destitute. Who, long before he ever spent any time around Nahida, wondered, Who looks out for her?]
I'll try. [Matsui deserves that much. Kaveh doesn't think he'll ever truly understand the world from Matsui's perspective--he doesn't know any spirits or magical beings, has never fought anything but his own battles--but he doesn't want to disrespect Matsui.
Still, he hesitates.] I don't know what happened before we came together. But I don't think you all are any less deserving of empathy than the rest of us.
[Even if they're as different as could be, even if they live in very different worlds--Matsui is still standing before him. Kaveh can feel his emotions, just as he knows Matsui must be feeling his. That's not something Kaveh can disregard so easily. It's why he doesn't hate Rang, for all that he's willing to get in his face and pick a fight; Kaveh simply cannot turn off his empathy, even when, perhaps, he should.]
no subject
Still, one thing becomes clear to him in this moment. He regards Kaveh's face with a relatively impassive look, the sharpness of his gaze due in part to how bright his eyes are. Without the tie of emotionshare, it would be extremely difficult to read what he's feeling by expression alone.
But the emotion behind it is a sort of morose apology, like he's witnessed something tragic that he knows he can't do anything about.]
You have been burdened with a tender heart.
[It's not a terrible thing to be empathetic. Humanity needs empathy to survive. But it's a weight, and that weight can be crushing, and he feels for Kaveh accordingly.]