[It's a gesture he recognizes, dimly--something he knows is meant to communicate apology, maybe even pain, given the lingering anger in Buzen's voice. But Kaveh's too close to all of this, his emotions too raw; he doesn't have to grace to recognize it, not right now.
Something shatters in his expression, and he takes a step back, pressing a fist to his mouth.]
And you still--[kept quiet, let them suffer, mourn, spiral. Maybe later, when he's calmer, he'll look back on this and recognize the points where Buzen tried to help, where he urged people not to look away, but it's impossible to think of any of that. Not when Rin's body on the table, Haru's stricken expression at the sight of Rin's apparition, are seared into his mind.]--even after what you said yesterday, you still protected them...
he can't handle the idea that he would belong on the side of the person who killed a defenseless child. his eyes flash with something both shocked and pained, because he's talked to kaveh about this. he's talked about what he is, and what he's meant for.]
You think I didn't want to shout it from the second I got into that room? You think that I wouldn't have instantly revealed my team the instant we all go there if I could? [and buzen doesn't raise his voice, he doesn't - but this is getting to be too much:] You think Matsu wouldn't have said anything if we could?!
If it was just me—just us, just our team that could've been broken, you think we wouldn't have done it?!
[the way the mods had to deal with us desperately trying to nerf the swords in a panic]
[There's no accusation in his voice, no lack of belief that Buzen's pain is real--just grief and desperation. Maybe if it had been Matsui, he would've understood--it would've hurt so, so deeply, but it's not like he's blind to their bond. But he's so certain it wasn't them, which means he can't wrap his mind around it. He can't reconcile the Buzen from yesterday, the one in front of him right now, with the sort of person who would have let Rin's killer escape if they hadn't lucked into the answer.]
I don't understand. Please, Buzen. help me understand.
[and he spits out the word, so angry that he can't see - but it's not at kaveh. none of it is at kaveh.]
It's in the rules that trial can't be easy - but you think I wouldn't have broken it? Of course I would've! But all it says is consequences, not for who. What if breaking it means that everyone gets Erased? You, Nahi-chan, Ylfa-san, Haru-san, Ge-san, everyone could be at risk.
Of course I'd sooner break than have to deal with hiding something I don't even want to for hours - but how could I do that if it means everyone else could get hurt?
You can be mad at me for lying. You can be pissed I wasn't smart enough to learn how to say it, to help more. I'm mad at myself for that. But—I'd never, ever choose my team over all of you.
[To his credit, he listens--even though it's hard. It feels, ironically, like fighting to breach the surface of deep water, but he tries to keep his ears and heart open.
Kaveh does not react well to being hurt. But he is good at putting himself on the backburner. So he tries. For Buzen, who has been so kind to him all week--so openly caring, even before that--who sounds so uncharacteristically furious now--he tries as hard as he can to temper his own devastation.
Buzen might not notice, caught up in his own feelings as he is, but it's clear from Kaveh's face that he hadn't considered that. He'd barely even looked at that part of the rulebook, really; all of it was just so far removed from anything he'd ever consider. He hadn't accounted for a scenario like this. The idea that one's own teammates might betray them so thoroughly, might trap them in this kind of pain... it's hard to grasp.
But emotions are so, so messy. Perhaps if it had been someone else--another victim, another team, another person standing in front of him--he would be able to take all of this in, to turn toward comfort. It hurts to see Buzen so upset, after all. He is, in some ways, almost as much of a victim as Rin's teammmates. But if it were that easy to settle a heart, everything, everywhere, would be so much simpler.
Buzen didn't ask for this. He tried. And yet, it still feels like a betrayal.]
...I can't. [Can't deal with the look on Buzen's face, can't stand the anger in his voice. Not when he's got so much built-up anger and grief of his own. It's not that he doesn't believe it--but he's in no shape to articulate his feelings right now, let alone take any action. He feels like he's just as liable to punch Buzen as he is to pull him into a hug, which means he needs to go and clear his head. He knows himself that well, if nothing else.] I'll--[He shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself.] Later.
[Gootbye he will forgive you later maybe perhaps... we will see]
[buzen has lied for the sake of humanity before. he's done his betrayals and his backstabbings - the occasional front stabbing as well. it always made his stomach turn, but he was pretty good at hiding that for the sake of others. focusing on saving matsui from his personal hell. hiding away the difficult tasks from samidare.
it's harder now, when it's just himself and kaveh. there are no gous to hide his own feelings behind.
he breathes out - quick to anger and then quick to calm, in the rare moments that he does feel that flash of rage burn at him - and he just watches the way that kaveh seems to crumble in front of him. automatically, there is empathy.
this must be awfully hard on him.
buzen's expression smooths out into something concerned and worried, right up until the point that kaveh just says that he can't. well, buzen's never been the type to force things. still, he's too honest - and that's been the problem all day, he's just too damn honest - to keep the flash of shame from passing through his expression.]
... okay. Later. You find me, if you're ever ready.
[and he'll raise his hands in a gesture of not intending harm before being the one to walk away
the ache of the red string is instant. the pain of something else comes after. buzen tells himself that he deserves both.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 1, saturday
after
just being shellshocked he is immediately coming to find Buzen. WHERE ARE YOU.]
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outside mcdonald's kinda just waiting to see if anyone wants to talk, but he is shifting like he's antsy and wants to leave]
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[Because even now, after seeing that--he can't quite believe it was Buzen or Matsui. He meant what he'd said to Kazuki.]
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I did. Since yesterday.
[even if there's still something so angry in his voice now that comes up when he says it]
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Something shatters in his expression, and he takes a step back, pressing a fist to his mouth.]
And you still--[kept quiet, let them suffer, mourn, spiral. Maybe later, when he's calmer, he'll look back on this and recognize the points where Buzen tried to help, where he urged people not to look away, but it's impossible to think of any of that. Not when Rin's body on the table, Haru's stricken expression at the sight of Rin's apparition, are seared into his mind.]--even after what you said yesterday, you still protected them...
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[buzen can handle a lot of things.
he can't handle the idea that he would belong on the side of the person who killed a defenseless child. his eyes flash with something both shocked and pained, because he's talked to kaveh about this. he's talked about what he is, and what he's meant for.]
You think I didn't want to shout it from the second I got into that room? You think that I wouldn't have instantly revealed my team the instant we all go there if I could? [and buzen doesn't raise his voice, he doesn't - but this is getting to be too much:] You think Matsu wouldn't have said anything if we could?!
If it was just me—just us, just our team that could've been broken, you think we wouldn't have done it?!
[the way the mods had to deal with us desperately trying to nerf the swords in a panic]
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[There's no accusation in his voice, no lack of belief that Buzen's pain is real--just grief and desperation. Maybe if it had been Matsui, he would've understood--it would've hurt so, so deeply, but it's not like he's blind to their bond. But he's so certain it wasn't them, which means he can't wrap his mind around it. He can't reconcile the Buzen from yesterday, the one in front of him right now, with the sort of person who would have let Rin's killer escape if they hadn't lucked into the answer.]
I don't understand. Please, Buzen. help me understand.
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[and he spits out the word, so angry that he can't see - but it's not at kaveh. none of it is at kaveh.]
It's in the rules that trial can't be easy - but you think I wouldn't have broken it? Of course I would've! But all it says is consequences, not for who. What if breaking it means that everyone gets Erased? You, Nahi-chan, Ylfa-san, Haru-san, Ge-san, everyone could be at risk.
Of course I'd sooner break than have to deal with hiding something I don't even want to for hours - but how could I do that if it means everyone else could get hurt?
You can be mad at me for lying. You can be pissed I wasn't smart enough to learn how to say it, to help more. I'm mad at myself for that. But—I'd never, ever choose my team over all of you.
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Kaveh does not react well to being hurt. But he is good at putting himself on the backburner. So he tries. For Buzen, who has been so kind to him all week--so openly caring, even before that--who sounds so uncharacteristically furious now--he tries as hard as he can to temper his own devastation.
Buzen might not notice, caught up in his own feelings as he is, but it's clear from Kaveh's face that he hadn't considered that. He'd barely even looked at that part of the rulebook, really; all of it was just so far removed from anything he'd ever consider. He hadn't accounted for a scenario like this. The idea that one's own teammates might betray them so thoroughly, might trap them in this kind of pain... it's hard to grasp.
But emotions are so, so messy. Perhaps if it had been someone else--another victim, another team, another person standing in front of him--he would be able to take all of this in, to turn toward comfort. It hurts to see Buzen so upset, after all. He is, in some ways, almost as much of a victim as Rin's teammmates. But if it were that easy to settle a heart, everything, everywhere, would be so much simpler.
Buzen didn't ask for this. He tried. And yet, it still feels like a betrayal.]
...I can't. [Can't deal with the look on Buzen's face, can't stand the anger in his voice. Not when he's got so much built-up anger and grief of his own. It's not that he doesn't believe it--but he's in no shape to articulate his feelings right now, let alone take any action. He feels like he's just as liable to punch Buzen as he is to pull him into a hug, which means he needs to go and clear his head. He knows himself that well, if nothing else.] I'll--[He shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself.] Later.
[Gootbye he will forgive you later maybe perhaps... we will see]
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it's harder now, when it's just himself and kaveh. there are no gous to hide his own feelings behind.
he breathes out - quick to anger and then quick to calm, in the rare moments that he does feel that flash of rage burn at him - and he just watches the way that kaveh seems to crumble in front of him. automatically, there is empathy.
this must be awfully hard on him.
buzen's expression smooths out into something concerned and worried, right up until the point that kaveh just says that he can't. well, buzen's never been the type to force things. still, he's too honest - and that's been the problem all day, he's just too damn honest - to keep the flash of shame from passing through his expression.]
... okay. Later. You find me, if you're ever ready.
[and he'll raise his hands in a gesture of not intending harm before being the one to walk away
the ache of the red string is instant. the pain of something else comes after. buzen tells himself that he deserves both.]
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