[He wants--well. Technically, he wants a lot of things, most of which he can't have or doesn't deserve. But high on the list is going home and collapsing into his own bed for about a thousand years. He's no safer than Buzen and the others, he knows, and he's been resigning himself to permanent erasure for several weeks, but... it's hard not to hope. Out of the desperate belief that everything he's done since they last saw each other has had meaning.]
But you all--you've been together since you woke up over there?
None taken. [He truly wouldn't wish their stress and misery on them. They already have to deal with leaving their fates to the mercy of others; the last thing he wants is for them to be miserable on top of it.] I'm glad you and Matsui weren't apart for too long.
[And while his heart aches for them over what happened--ultimately, he knew Matsui didn't want to stay in a world without Buzen, especially when Rin's blood was on all of their hands. It's eased him somewhat, knowing that they found each other again.]
[Yes thank you Buzen please give him a romance to focus on that isn't (redacted)
Kaveh's face softens at his words, though, and he shakes his head.]
You didn't leave us. You were taken from us.
[He does understand what Buzen means, but he wants to make that clear. Kaveh's never been able to look away from the harm that was done, regardless of the intentions of the killers. It's made things extremely difficult and complicated as the weeks have gone on, but it's important, he thinks, that they not forget.]
...No, they don't. [He can acknowledge that much. For better or for worse, emotions don't adhere to logic.] I don't want to take your regrets away. But I don't think anyone else has thought of it in those terms. We just missed you.
[He can't fathom anyone blaming Buzen for BDSM's fate. The thought alone sparks that old righteous anger, though it's not immediately intense the way it used to be.]
Oh. [Well, that makes him a little sad, since it sounds like something personal. Does he remember Buzen and Matsui are swords and not people... maybe...]
Well, we certainly did. Wolfwood, Vash, and Livio invited me and a few others to pay respects to the erased every week, but... even if we hadn't been instructed to remember you in the rules, I don't think anyone would've stopped missing you all. I would've remembered you even if I hadn't regretted the way I left things.
[He's less broken up about it now because so much has happened since then, but he also feels guilty for different reasons now.]
[i guess it's only been two months and the way i left was pretty disappointing is the thought that comes through - like buzen figures it would've taken longer for people to forget that trauma
but he doesn't bother to actually voice any of that]
You don't regret it anymore, right? Everyone kept telling me about it...
[That is true--though Kaveh frowns a little. YOU SPIRITS AND YOUR "HUMAS WILL ALWAYS FORGET ME" ISSUES.]
I don't know if I'd say that... especially after being in your position. [In several ways, for so long.] More than anything, I regretted that I never told you when I stopped being so upset. [Buzen can't sense his emotions, which is unfortunate, but it probably wouldn't be helpful even if he could because they're still so complicated.] And then... you were gone, just like that. And Matsui was too, and it wasn't even the way he wanted...
[Regardless of how right or wrong his own feelings were, he hated knowing that the last thing he ever said to Buzen was so unkind. And even though it was out of his hands, even though he knew Matsui didn't want to live after Buzen's death, it was still so horrific, the way Matsui and Rang were gone so quickly. The whole weekend was just one shocking disaster after the next, and Kaveh was so unused to such rapid devastation back then.]
[his expression levels out thoughtfully and he tilts his head as he tries to rub his last two braincells together. it's not that he doesn't understand it. sometimes buzen's quick to anger too. the words leave his mouth before he can stop them, fast as the rest of him. but it also works through him quickly. he often apologizes in the same conversation.]
... I just still don't think you were wrong to get mad at me. [because bzuen was mad at himself too. he doesn't hold onto grudges against other people - but he remembers every time he disappoints himself, even if he often buries those thoughts away where other people can't see]
Well, the message got to me - one way or another. I just didn't want to be another burden of yours. [i'm tired of only giving people heartache]
I'm sorry about how that all turned out. Every piece of it.
[Buzen really doesn't need to apologize. Nothing that happened was his fault--Kaveh could say that, easily, and not feel even slightly like a liar. Buzen's far less responsible for Rin than Kaveh is for Valerie, he thinks--or for any of Froggystyle's murders that he knew about after Shenhe and Lambda, for that matter. Not to mention the fact that Buzen didn't ask to be murdered; Kaveh simply isn't capable of looking at someone and saying, coldly, you didn't fight hard enough.
But Kaveh's own guilt is such a core part of who he is. And because of that, he recognizes that it isn't for him to take Buzen's feelings of responsibility away. So even though the thought he catches is such a painful one, even though he can't hide the heartache in his face as he hears it, he doesn't turn Buzen's apology away.]
I still should've spoken to you sooner. [That, he won't back down on.] And I'm so grateful that you all found a way to get through to us. That we're able to talk again like this.
[He never had that chance with his father. It's going to hurt, going home and realizing he won't have it ever again.]
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But then his gaze softens and he smiles, genuine, even though it's clearly much more exhausted than it was all those weeks ago.]
This isn't quite as good as that dream made it seem, but it'll have to do for now.
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[lightly, teasing]
... are you going to tell me I don't have to be worried if I ask you to relax and take it a little easy...?
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I'm not sure that that's something any of us can do until we get you all back for real.
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I get it.
Then pencil in the biggest and most satisfying nap of your life once that happens, alright?
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[He wants--well. Technically, he wants a lot of things, most of which he can't have or doesn't deserve. But high on the list is going home and collapsing into his own bed for about a thousand years. He's no safer than Buzen and the others, he knows, and he's been resigning himself to permanent erasure for several weeks, but... it's hard not to hope. Out of the desperate belief that everything he's done since they last saw each other has had meaning.]
But you all--you've been together since you woke up over there?
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Yeah. We all wake up on Sundays, and then it's pretty much a search around the city until we find the people that we're looking for.
It's just been getting louder and louder each week... it's not bad.
To be honest, I think that everyone on your side is in... way lower spirits. Um. No offense.
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None taken. [He truly wouldn't wish their stress and misery on them. They already have to deal with leaving their fates to the mercy of others; the last thing he wants is for them to be miserable on top of it.] I'm glad you and Matsui weren't apart for too long.
[And while his heart aches for them over what happened--ultimately, he knew Matsui didn't want to stay in a world without Buzen, especially when Rin's blood was on all of their hands. It's eased him somewhat, knowing that they found each other again.]
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... yeah. I mean - ... yeah. We're always better together.
There's no denying that, I think.
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Is everything alright?
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[he's really cute about it ok thanks buzen]
Mm... just - you know. I was able to not think about it for a while since everyone on the other side was already erased.
But I feel bad, thinking about how I left everyone. Matsu wouldn't have had to follow after me like that if things went differently, is all.
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Kaveh's face softens at his words, though, and he shakes his head.]
You didn't leave us. You were taken from us.
[He does understand what Buzen means, but he wants to make that clear. Kaveh's never been able to look away from the harm that was done, regardless of the intentions of the killers. It's made things extremely difficult and complicated as the weeks have gone on, but it's important, he thinks, that they not forget.]
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but buzen will just falter at that, pausing]
... I let her choose when the fight started, so I don't know, I regret it a little bit.
[even if things wouldn't be different since i wouldn't let anyone take the fall for me at trial. but i guess emotions don't really have to make sense]
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...No, they don't. [He can acknowledge that much. For better or for worse, emotions don't adhere to logic.] I don't want to take your regrets away. But I don't think anyone else has thought of it in those terms. We just missed you.
[He can't fathom anyone blaming Buzen for BDSM's fate. The thought alone sparks that old righteous anger, though it's not immediately intense the way it used to be.]
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hilariously that's also buzen's emotion because he didn't really think about anyone missing him, and it shows in his owlish blinking for a second]
Oh, uh...
Thanks. That's really kind.
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He seems a little surprised by Buzen's reaction, though.]
Did you think we didn't...?
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[he shakes his head]
It’s more like… I don’t expect people to think of me much at all. That’s not about any of you, though. Just me.
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Well, we certainly did. Wolfwood, Vash, and Livio invited me and a few others to pay respects to the erased every week, but... even if we hadn't been instructed to remember you in the rules, I don't think anyone would've stopped missing you all. I would've remembered you even if I hadn't regretted the way I left things.
[He's less broken up about it now because so much has happened since then, but he also feels guilty for different reasons now.]
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but he doesn't bother to actually voice any of that]
You don't regret it anymore, right? Everyone kept telling me about it...
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I don't know if I'd say that... especially after being in your position. [In several ways, for so long.] More than anything, I regretted that I never told you when I stopped being so upset. [Buzen can't sense his emotions, which is unfortunate, but it probably wouldn't be helpful even if he could because they're still so complicated.] And then... you were gone, just like that. And Matsui was too, and it wasn't even the way he wanted...
[Regardless of how right or wrong his own feelings were, he hated knowing that the last thing he ever said to Buzen was so unkind. And even though it was out of his hands, even though he knew Matsui didn't want to live after Buzen's death, it was still so horrific, the way Matsui and Rang were gone so quickly. The whole weekend was just one shocking disaster after the next, and Kaveh was so unused to such rapid devastation back then.]
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[his expression levels out thoughtfully and he tilts his head as he tries to rub his last two braincells together. it's not that he doesn't understand it. sometimes buzen's quick to anger too. the words leave his mouth before he can stop them, fast as the rest of him. but it also works through him quickly. he often apologizes in the same conversation.]
... I just still don't think you were wrong to get mad at me. [because bzuen was mad at himself too. he doesn't hold onto grudges against other people - but he remembers every time he disappoints himself, even if he often buries those thoughts away where other people can't see]
Well, the message got to me - one way or another. I just didn't want to be another burden of yours. [i'm tired of only giving people heartache]
I'm sorry about how that all turned out. Every piece of it.
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But Kaveh's own guilt is such a core part of who he is. And because of that, he recognizes that it isn't for him to take Buzen's feelings of responsibility away. So even though the thought he catches is such a painful one, even though he can't hide the heartache in his face as he hears it, he doesn't turn Buzen's apology away.]
I still should've spoken to you sooner. [That, he won't back down on.] And I'm so grateful that you all found a way to get through to us. That we're able to talk again like this.
[He never had that chance with his father. It's going to hurt, going home and realizing he won't have it ever again.]