...No, they don't. [He can acknowledge that much. For better or for worse, emotions don't adhere to logic.] I don't want to take your regrets away. But I don't think anyone else has thought of it in those terms. We just missed you.
[He can't fathom anyone blaming Buzen for BDSM's fate. The thought alone sparks that old righteous anger, though it's not immediately intense the way it used to be.]
Oh. [Well, that makes him a little sad, since it sounds like something personal. Does he remember Buzen and Matsui are swords and not people... maybe...]
Well, we certainly did. Wolfwood, Vash, and Livio invited me and a few others to pay respects to the erased every week, but... even if we hadn't been instructed to remember you in the rules, I don't think anyone would've stopped missing you all. I would've remembered you even if I hadn't regretted the way I left things.
[He's less broken up about it now because so much has happened since then, but he also feels guilty for different reasons now.]
[i guess it's only been two months and the way i left was pretty disappointing is the thought that comes through - like buzen figures it would've taken longer for people to forget that trauma
but he doesn't bother to actually voice any of that]
You don't regret it anymore, right? Everyone kept telling me about it...
[That is true--though Kaveh frowns a little. YOU SPIRITS AND YOUR "HUMAS WILL ALWAYS FORGET ME" ISSUES.]
I don't know if I'd say that... especially after being in your position. [In several ways, for so long.] More than anything, I regretted that I never told you when I stopped being so upset. [Buzen can't sense his emotions, which is unfortunate, but it probably wouldn't be helpful even if he could because they're still so complicated.] And then... you were gone, just like that. And Matsui was too, and it wasn't even the way he wanted...
[Regardless of how right or wrong his own feelings were, he hated knowing that the last thing he ever said to Buzen was so unkind. And even though it was out of his hands, even though he knew Matsui didn't want to live after Buzen's death, it was still so horrific, the way Matsui and Rang were gone so quickly. The whole weekend was just one shocking disaster after the next, and Kaveh was so unused to such rapid devastation back then.]
[his expression levels out thoughtfully and he tilts his head as he tries to rub his last two braincells together. it's not that he doesn't understand it. sometimes buzen's quick to anger too. the words leave his mouth before he can stop them, fast as the rest of him. but it also works through him quickly. he often apologizes in the same conversation.]
... I just still don't think you were wrong to get mad at me. [because bzuen was mad at himself too. he doesn't hold onto grudges against other people - but he remembers every time he disappoints himself, even if he often buries those thoughts away where other people can't see]
Well, the message got to me - one way or another. I just didn't want to be another burden of yours. [i'm tired of only giving people heartache]
I'm sorry about how that all turned out. Every piece of it.
[Buzen really doesn't need to apologize. Nothing that happened was his fault--Kaveh could say that, easily, and not feel even slightly like a liar. Buzen's far less responsible for Rin than Kaveh is for Valerie, he thinks--or for any of Froggystyle's murders that he knew about after Shenhe and Lambda, for that matter. Not to mention the fact that Buzen didn't ask to be murdered; Kaveh simply isn't capable of looking at someone and saying, coldly, you didn't fight hard enough.
But Kaveh's own guilt is such a core part of who he is. And because of that, he recognizes that it isn't for him to take Buzen's feelings of responsibility away. So even though the thought he catches is such a painful one, even though he can't hide the heartache in his face as he hears it, he doesn't turn Buzen's apology away.]
I still should've spoken to you sooner. [That, he won't back down on.] And I'm so grateful that you all found a way to get through to us. That we're able to talk again like this.
[He never had that chance with his father. It's going to hurt, going home and realizing he won't have it ever again.]
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...No, they don't. [He can acknowledge that much. For better or for worse, emotions don't adhere to logic.] I don't want to take your regrets away. But I don't think anyone else has thought of it in those terms. We just missed you.
[He can't fathom anyone blaming Buzen for BDSM's fate. The thought alone sparks that old righteous anger, though it's not immediately intense the way it used to be.]
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hilariously that's also buzen's emotion because he didn't really think about anyone missing him, and it shows in his owlish blinking for a second]
Oh, uh...
Thanks. That's really kind.
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He seems a little surprised by Buzen's reaction, though.]
Did you think we didn't...?
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[he shakes his head]
It’s more like… I don’t expect people to think of me much at all. That’s not about any of you, though. Just me.
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Well, we certainly did. Wolfwood, Vash, and Livio invited me and a few others to pay respects to the erased every week, but... even if we hadn't been instructed to remember you in the rules, I don't think anyone would've stopped missing you all. I would've remembered you even if I hadn't regretted the way I left things.
[He's less broken up about it now because so much has happened since then, but he also feels guilty for different reasons now.]
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but he doesn't bother to actually voice any of that]
You don't regret it anymore, right? Everyone kept telling me about it...
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I don't know if I'd say that... especially after being in your position. [In several ways, for so long.] More than anything, I regretted that I never told you when I stopped being so upset. [Buzen can't sense his emotions, which is unfortunate, but it probably wouldn't be helpful even if he could because they're still so complicated.] And then... you were gone, just like that. And Matsui was too, and it wasn't even the way he wanted...
[Regardless of how right or wrong his own feelings were, he hated knowing that the last thing he ever said to Buzen was so unkind. And even though it was out of his hands, even though he knew Matsui didn't want to live after Buzen's death, it was still so horrific, the way Matsui and Rang were gone so quickly. The whole weekend was just one shocking disaster after the next, and Kaveh was so unused to such rapid devastation back then.]
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[his expression levels out thoughtfully and he tilts his head as he tries to rub his last two braincells together. it's not that he doesn't understand it. sometimes buzen's quick to anger too. the words leave his mouth before he can stop them, fast as the rest of him. but it also works through him quickly. he often apologizes in the same conversation.]
... I just still don't think you were wrong to get mad at me. [because bzuen was mad at himself too. he doesn't hold onto grudges against other people - but he remembers every time he disappoints himself, even if he often buries those thoughts away where other people can't see]
Well, the message got to me - one way or another. I just didn't want to be another burden of yours. [i'm tired of only giving people heartache]
I'm sorry about how that all turned out. Every piece of it.
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But Kaveh's own guilt is such a core part of who he is. And because of that, he recognizes that it isn't for him to take Buzen's feelings of responsibility away. So even though the thought he catches is such a painful one, even though he can't hide the heartache in his face as he hears it, he doesn't turn Buzen's apology away.]
I still should've spoken to you sooner. [That, he won't back down on.] And I'm so grateful that you all found a way to get through to us. That we're able to talk again like this.
[He never had that chance with his father. It's going to hurt, going home and realizing he won't have it ever again.]