ohthehumanities | catchall; haru

Sorry. [...He thinks of Kazuki and hesitates, but decides to add--] It's been everybody. I've been trying to spare them.

[He knows his vibes are Bad... but at least right now they're more tired and resigned than anything, and he knows that his feelings aren't out of place among the rest of them. Victory is so hollow. It doesn't undo the pain of loss.

He comes over, taking a seat and gazing out at the lake.]

...How are you feeling?

I'd rather feel what you're feeling. I want to see who you are.

[ he says something this cringe without any embarrassment, because even if it means feeling someone else's pain, their anger, their ugliness, it's okay. he doesn't like being shielded from that, anyway.

...right now though, yeah, it's not like there's any escaping the Terrible Feelings. haru's emotions lash out before his answer does: it's a sadness that belies his expression, grief and mourning and frustration that's built up like a rain into a torrent, coming and going in intensity. ]

I'm fine. Just... thinking. Of what we're supposed to do now for Matsui and Rang.

[To his credit, Kaveh doesn't say "you really don't" or anything like that. The cringe doesn't bother him; rather, he appreciates the honesty. The emotion, too--it's not that he wants Haru to be suffering, but there's something tragically comforting about mutual sorrow.]

I spoke to Matsui. But I don't know if anyone can change his mind.

[The only person who could is gone. That's the whole reason he's like this.]

[ misery does love company. good thing there's... so much misery! there's also a very sharp pang of fear when he says that, one that doesn't smooth over very much as he speaks. ]

...What do you do? When someone wants to die?

[ he can't bring himself to mince words here. ]

[Kaveh's not really one to mince words either, honestly. He's kind an empathetic, but he's never been the type to sugarcoat.]

I don't know. [Honestly. The last time he had to deal with something even remotely similar to this, he was a child. The only answer he has is his own, one that comes from a long life of pain and guilt.] Give them as much peace as you can, I guess.

[ it's an honest answer, but still a painful one. because he's felt matsui's emotions for himself now—where in that absolute sea of grief is there any peace? his expression crumples a little. ]

But, how? Do we try and make him comfortable? Do we just let him go?

Is that peace?

[He doesn't answer right away, taking a moment to gather his words.

The thing is--Kaveh understands Matsui too well. They are so painfully similar in the worst ways, both the sort to carry their guilt within them, the sort to take comfort in pain and punishment, knowing that it's nothing less than they deserve. Perhaps it doesn't really matter, if Matsui's going to be gone anyway--but Kaveh doesn't want to breach his trust by exposing him too deeply, even so.

On top of that--Kaveh knows he's speaking from the perspective of a survivor. He knows, too well, what it's like to be left behind. It takes him a moment to pull that in, to try and think around his own personal hurt.]

...Matsui knows that losing him will hurt the rest of us. [He says, finally.] He knows that we care about him. But he and Buzen are hundreds of years old. No matter how we feel, we can't compare to that kind of bond. [He doesn't need to ask Matsui the details of their history to know that.] But that doesn't mean he takes joy in causing us pain. So I think... maybe it's best to let him know that we'll be okay.

[Removing some of that guilt. Letting him die with fewer regrets than he otherwise would.]

But it's okay if that's not something you can do. It's not like we can pretend right now. [Not with their emotions leaking everywhere anyway.] And I think it would be worse if you tried to force it. I told him I would keep trying for Buzen, so that he knows I won't forget either of them--maybe something like that would be better.

[He quiets again, then sighs softly.]

...You shouldn't have to be okay with so much loss.

[ kaveh isn't wrong, and he is kind, and he is being gracious with all that matsui wants and certainly needs. but there's still a harsh, shattering anger in haru's reaction. a blow of despair as sudden as glass cracking across its pane. ]

—I don't want to talk like he's already dead!

[ it's a fearful, immature reaction. but that's what he is. fearful and immature. because this sounds like the answer is to just say farewell in the kindest way he can, to accept that a short goodbye is sometimes better than fighting, scrapping, struggling to hold someone close. how is anyone ever ready for that? how can they have all this time—hours and days more than they had to save rin—and still watch someone fade away?

and there's something else, a dread grit between his teeth and just barely buried back down before it snaps out, too. ]

I'm not okay with it. No one should be okay with it. There has to be more than just—watching people go.

[ sorry kaveh gets his biggest most bitch baby reaction it do sometimes be that way ]

[It's startling as startling as it is heartbreaking. Kaveh jumps a little, but he doesn't recoil. If anything, it only stirs the simmering anger he holds toward this place, which has hurt Haru so deeply in such a short span of time. He doesn't care that they're supposedly fighting for survival, that this is supposed to be a "privilege." This place is cruel, and he refuses to think of it in any other way.

...But Kaveh suspects that Matsui has been like this for much longer than they know. He can't imagine that a weapon spirit could be born with such a fragile nature--something must've happened to make him the way that he is.]

I know. I know, Haru. [He turns to face Haru, his arms loose and open. He doesn't pull Haru into a hug himself, unwilling to put any extra pressure on him, lest he shatter completely--but he is there if Haru wants that.] I wish I could tell you there was something we could do. And I'm not saying we should give up, or that it will always be like this.

[Kaveh would love to be an optimist, the sort of person who could tell Haru with utmost confidence that they can find a way to save Matsui, that they can do something to stop all this. But Kaveh just isn't that person. He works in foundations and frameworks, solid, tangible things no matter how they may look on paper. And he knows too well the dangers of hopes and dreams--the suffering that accompanies them, on top of the pain that is already a fact of life. If there is someone here who can tell Haru that everything will be okay, it's not Kaveh.]

But Haru... Matsui's already taken his own life here once. [It's something he hasn't been keen to tell people, for obvious reasons. But it won't matter tomorrow anyway--even though, at this point, Kaveh doesn't know what "tomorrow" will look like.] If there's a way to stop him from doing it again, I don't know what it is.

[That's not entirely true. More accurately--"what it is" is Buzen. Without that... Kaveh, in all of his biased sympathy toward Matsui, can only think of asking him to carry on as cruelty.]

catchall; haru

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