These ties, these weights - the weight of people who care. The ties of knowing that your absence will impact others. He'd never wanted anyone to get attached. All he's done is drag everyone around him down, down, down along with him.
It's that sort of mired, boggish feeling that comes to the forefront when Kaveh says that he'll support him, but miss him. Something about it hurts in a way he hadn't expected.]
...I don't wish to inflict such hurt upon you. Any of you. You've been kind to me.
[And he's hurt all the more for it, but right now, before he gets EVEN WORSE NEWS and gets LOCKED INTO LIFE, it's not enough to make him want to stay.]
...I wonder if we don't deserve it. [Just. Honestly. He might as well be open with Matsui, who is so similar to him and yet suffering so much more than Kaveh thinks he'll ever know.] The cost of revival is the lives of everyone else here. No matter how much we hope otherwise, that is the truth we've been given. The pain we feel along the way... maybe that's our responsibility.
[Every day they wake up and choose to survive a little longer is a day that puts the others around them at risk. They know that survival will come with grief, with horror, with guilt. That, as far as Kaveh is concerned, is a normal part of life as it is. It makes sense that they should carry those weights here, too.]
I can't say that I don't want you to stay with us. [Because he does. It's selfish, but he does. He's so, so tired of losing people already, and they have so much longer to go.] But that's my burden to bear, not yours. I can't offer you anything but hope and determination.
[They have no proof that they can help Buzen and the others, after all. The only shred of a bigger picture is the message that they received after their excursion, and that has been a dead end thus far.
Kaveh hates Alhaitham's viewpoint--the idea that people should live their lives and sink or swim accordingly. He will never hold himself back from offering his help. But even he knows that setting himself on fire will do nothing for Matsui. So as much as it breaks his heart, as much as it makes him feel so hollow and helpless--he can't beg Matsui to carry on. Not when he thinks it will add to Matsui's guilt, but ultimately won't sway him.]
[Kaveh puts this more eloquently than he thinks he'd ever be able to. It says a lot about him, too - about the way that he process things, and what he's seen in the past that's made him come to these weighty conclusions.
Everyone here is hurt and hurting, it seems. And from here on, it will surely only worsen for those who have to keep pressing forward.]
...Maybe that's so. [Matsui does believe in the weight of penitence, after all. It makes sense to him, to suffer in exchange for a little more time.] I wish that it wasn't the case, but... life is often a balance of burdens and benefits, and it seems death is much the same.
[Running from it feels like cowardice, but staying... The idea of being here without Buzen, even with so many people who he's managed to reach for some reason - it crushes him.]
I don't wish to add to your burden, or that of anyone else's. ...I will see what tomorrow brings.
...Netzach told me he'd told Buzen that being here feels more like living than dying. [He'd meant it in a kind way, but. That was before they'd seen Buzen's name.] I can't help but agree with him.
[Kaveh's passion is a conscious choice as much as it's something inherently natural to him. He can't help but see beauty, which is, in his opinion, so vital to the lived experience. But it's a choice to seize it, knowing that it will cause him pain. It's a choice to stand up again, every time he suffers yet another type of hurt for his art.
This situation is much the same, for him. It wouldn't hurt so much if he didn't care. He's been told countless times that his actions are foolish, that he cares to the point of his own detriment. If he could just stop himself from caring so much, they wouldn't be sitting here like this, blanketed in raw, lonely despair.
But he can't help caring. And he makes the choice, every day, to keep getting closer to the people here, even knowing that it will only hurt more, and more, and more. That's on his shoulders, not Matsui's.
But he isn't the person who can convince Matsui's feelings to change. That person is gone. All he can do is sit beside him--tell him that there is someone out there who will mourn them both for however many days he has left.]
I don't know if I can keep going for my own sake. [It's not something he'd admit to other people, even though it's not necessarily a secret. Kaveh's pretty obvious about the sort of person he is.] But I don't want to die. So I promised myself that every day I keep going, I'll spend looking for a way to help us all. I don't know if I'll find it, but please know that I'm not giving up on you either way.
["You" meaning Matsui, but also Buzen, and Rin. Meaning Rang, since Kaveh doubts they can save him with less than 24 hours to think of a plan. There's no guarantee he'll succeed, but it's the only thing he has to give.]
Hearing this-- it makes another swell of emotion pulse through him, like something shifting on the bed of the ocean floor, distant and ancient. So many people here are so very, terribly kind, and it hurts him and warms him in equal measure.
He only wishes that he could have done better.]
...Your heart is large... and wounded.
[Even if he said "I don't want to die", not being able to keep going for his own sake also says a lot. The emotions that he's feeling say a lot. The things that he says say a lot.
If there had been any part of him that was still upset over the fact that Kaveh had lashed out so ferociously at Buzen earlier, it feels so distant and small now, dwarfed by these other, fresher, larger emotions. He can accept what he's saying with an aching heart of his own.]
To live is to suffer. Every decision made affects every other person. The steps that you take forward will be heavy, and the path paved with blood. ...To continue to try so hard for others and care in such a way... Some may call it foolishness, but I believe there is a strength in it. Thank you for doing what is too difficult for me.
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no subject
These ties, these weights - the weight of people who care. The ties of knowing that your absence will impact others. He'd never wanted anyone to get attached. All he's done is drag everyone around him down, down, down along with him.
It's that sort of mired, boggish feeling that comes to the forefront when Kaveh says that he'll support him, but miss him. Something about it hurts in a way he hadn't expected.]
...I don't wish to inflict such hurt upon you. Any of you. You've been kind to me.
[And he's hurt all the more for it, but right now, before he gets EVEN WORSE NEWS and gets LOCKED INTO LIFE, it's not enough to make him want to stay.]
no subject
[Every day they wake up and choose to survive a little longer is a day that puts the others around them at risk. They know that survival will come with grief, with horror, with guilt. That, as far as Kaveh is concerned, is a normal part of life as it is. It makes sense that they should carry those weights here, too.]
I can't say that I don't want you to stay with us. [Because he does. It's selfish, but he does. He's so, so tired of losing people already, and they have so much longer to go.] But that's my burden to bear, not yours. I can't offer you anything but hope and determination.
[They have no proof that they can help Buzen and the others, after all. The only shred of a bigger picture is the message that they received after their excursion, and that has been a dead end thus far.
Kaveh hates Alhaitham's viewpoint--the idea that people should live their lives and sink or swim accordingly. He will never hold himself back from offering his help. But even he knows that setting himself on fire will do nothing for Matsui. So as much as it breaks his heart, as much as it makes him feel so hollow and helpless--he can't beg Matsui to carry on. Not when he thinks it will add to Matsui's guilt, but ultimately won't sway him.]
no subject
Everyone here is hurt and hurting, it seems. And from here on, it will surely only worsen for those who have to keep pressing forward.]
...Maybe that's so. [Matsui does believe in the weight of penitence, after all. It makes sense to him, to suffer in exchange for a little more time.] I wish that it wasn't the case, but... life is often a balance of burdens and benefits, and it seems death is much the same.
[Running from it feels like cowardice, but staying... The idea of being here without Buzen, even with so many people who he's managed to reach for some reason - it crushes him.]
I don't wish to add to your burden, or that of anyone else's. ...I will see what tomorrow brings.
no subject
...Netzach told me he'd told Buzen that being here feels more like living than dying. [He'd meant it in a kind way, but. That was before they'd seen Buzen's name.] I can't help but agree with him.
[Kaveh's passion is a conscious choice as much as it's something inherently natural to him. He can't help but see beauty, which is, in his opinion, so vital to the lived experience. But it's a choice to seize it, knowing that it will cause him pain. It's a choice to stand up again, every time he suffers yet another type of hurt for his art.
This situation is much the same, for him. It wouldn't hurt so much if he didn't care. He's been told countless times that his actions are foolish, that he cares to the point of his own detriment. If he could just stop himself from caring so much, they wouldn't be sitting here like this, blanketed in raw, lonely despair.
But he can't help caring. And he makes the choice, every day, to keep getting closer to the people here, even knowing that it will only hurt more, and more, and more. That's on his shoulders, not Matsui's.
But he isn't the person who can convince Matsui's feelings to change. That person is gone. All he can do is sit beside him--tell him that there is someone out there who will mourn them both for however many days he has left.]
I don't know if I can keep going for my own sake. [It's not something he'd admit to other people, even though it's not necessarily a secret. Kaveh's pretty obvious about the sort of person he is.] But I don't want to die. So I promised myself that every day I keep going, I'll spend looking for a way to help us all. I don't know if I'll find it, but please know that I'm not giving up on you either way.
["You" meaning Matsui, but also Buzen, and Rin. Meaning Rang, since Kaveh doubts they can save him with less than 24 hours to think of a plan. There's no guarantee he'll succeed, but it's the only thing he has to give.]
no subject
Hearing this-- it makes another swell of emotion pulse through him, like something shifting on the bed of the ocean floor, distant and ancient. So many people here are so very, terribly kind, and it hurts him and warms him in equal measure.
He only wishes that he could have done better.]
...Your heart is large... and wounded.
[Even if he said "I don't want to die", not being able to keep going for his own sake also says a lot. The emotions that he's feeling say a lot. The things that he says say a lot.
If there had been any part of him that was still upset over the fact that Kaveh had lashed out so ferociously at Buzen earlier, it feels so distant and small now, dwarfed by these other, fresher, larger emotions. He can accept what he's saying with an aching heart of his own.]
To live is to suffer. Every decision made affects every other person. The steps that you take forward will be heavy, and the path paved with blood. ...To continue to try so hard for others and care in such a way... Some may call it foolishness, but I believe there is a strength in it. Thank you for doing what is too difficult for me.
[To find a way forward that isn't Buzen.]