[STOP DON'T RUN FROM YOUR OWN WAREHOUSE YOU STUPID GOLDEN RETRIEVER
Seeing him doesn't actually make Kaveh feel any better, even with the red string pull lessening, but that's not surprising. It's not Buzen's fault, after all--it's just how he is.
Even so, he sighs, pushing forward until he can stand with his arm against Buzen's. It's the most he can manage when he still feels like a piece of paper that was crumpled up and then fished back out of the trash can and spread out again. EMOTIONAL HANGOVER.]
I'm still mad at you. [He says that, but there's no actual heat behind it; his anger's mostly gone, and what's left of it isn't really directed at Buzen or his team.]
but he'll pause when kaveh moves - because right, the red string is still a thing even though buzen has been aggressively ignoring it. maybe this is what kaveh needs to feel better though, and he's not going to deny him that.
even though the words sting a little. but at the same time, the part of buzen that hasn't even forgiven himself is the one that talks]
[He's not going to learn what to do either because Kaveh's emotions are (Alhaitham voice) completely illogical
As evidenced by the way he huffs, dissatisfied, like Buzen said the wrong thing HELP. But really it's more that it sounds like something Kaveh himself would say, or at least think, and he doesn't like it.
But he does, at least, know that Buzen doesn't fully understand emotions. And he's calm enough now to try and do a better job at articulating his own thoughts, even if they're still painfully messy.]
...That shouldn't have happened to you. [Because Buzen, and Matsui, even Rang--they were betrayed, at the end of the day. Kaveh might be unhappy with how they handled things afterward, even with the clarity of hindsight--but he can acknowledge this much, and he won't hold it against them.]
[there's a little furrow of his brow at that, because he's really trying to keep up here. it sounds like kaveh is trying to empathize with him - it's a kind gesture. really kind. and yet... buzen doesn't feel like it's entirely deserved.]
... you don't have to try to forgive me, Kaveh-san. Or... maybe not forgive, but try to be accepting if you don't want to. I know you're a kind person, but - it's okay to have limits.
I don't forgive myself. I'm not satisfied with what efforts I made.
[And they're harsher than most would expect him to be capable of, he suspects. None of his kindness or idealism is fake--but his core isn't innocent or pure, not like Rin's was. He's not nearly as bad about it as he used to be, but so much of his behavior is still driven by atonement. By the urge to act like what he believes the world should be, not who he truly is.
He sighs softly.]
I'm not satisfied either. I know you tried. [He would've thought about it even if Rang hadn't said anything.] But I wish that you'd been able to trust me. We could've figured something out. I understand why you didn't--[He'd said as much yesterday--and that fear is something he can empathize with]--but that doesn't make it easier.
[When he saw Haru and Ylfa the day after the announcement, or when he remembers the look on Haru's face when Rin's apparition appeared. It's not on Buzen that they had to endure that--but he can't help but wonder what if they'd done better.
It's unfair to stand here and think Alhaitham would've found a way, Cyno and Tighnari would've found a way. They're not the same people, and it's impossible to know how his own would've truly handled something like that. But there's nothing productive he can do with this helplessness. He can only turn it inward, like everything else.]
...I just hate thinking that nothing will bring him back. [Which is the root of it, really, more than anything Buzen and the others did or didn't do. Catching the killer was important--but at the end of the day, what's done is done. Rin is gone, and if they don't succeed in figuring something else out, the rest of his team will have to go on enduring that grief, until they die or they win. He hasn't given up, but it's hard to feel that passionate determination right now.]
[the idea of trust never came into consideration for buzen.
it's clear when surprise lights up his expression at the sheer idea of it and how instantly he feels moved to try to cross that distance between them, as if physical space is part of the barrier. his hand almost flinches with how quickly he reaches out to kaveh - and then the red string screams when buzen doesn't let the connection finish. he pulls his arm back.]
I trust you. [immediately, instantly] But—even though I think that you and Nahi-chan are some of the smartest people I've ever met, I couldn't do this to you.
[he shakes his head.]
We were scared it had gone wrong right up to the end. What if we hadn't gotten it right, Kaveh-san? What if they voted for Yuneyuze after all, and you and Nahi-chan had to know the entire time? Maybe it could've gone better—or you could've been stuck in the same hell as me and Matsu. And it's our team's problem that caused it, and it would've been our team's responsibility to solve it. We were prepared to destroy it all, if we failed. Even if it meant losing our shot - but I couldn't put that on you, or anyone else I wanted to ask help from.
[d's fate was sealed from the second he told the swords. (i'm sorry anna.) if he had walked out of that room without the vote, then buzen would've killed him the week after - and matsui would've followed buzen to the grave after the most obvious murder in the world. what a stupid turn of events that could've been.
but everyone that buzen adores is far too good to get caught up in something like that.]
... but I'm sorry. I don't know either. If there's a deal with the Reapers that'd let me trade my spot for his, I'd take it. But if there isn't, then—we all have to walk forward. Even though that's the hard answer.
[Kaveh's gaze flicks to Buzen's hand, watching as he freezes and pulls himself back. He jerks, slightly, but he doesn't stop him--just watches him as he talks. He presses his lips together, his arms still crossed over his chest; but he doesn't interrupt, and doesn't argue.
It doesn't matter much, in the end. Things worked out as they did. Regardless of how any of them feel about the choices that were made, D was caught; that has to be enough.]
I believe you. [That's the best he can say, really. Forgiveness isn't his to offer--that's for Rin's teammates. And in truth, he and Matsui have the same opinions; that absolving them of guilt is the same as taking any responsibility from them, which is unfair. Not just to Rin, but to them.
As for the rest--]
There isn't one. [Tiredly, eventually.] I asked already. Winners can't forfeit.
[It's one of the first things he tried to find out. And maybe there's some other way of phrasing it, some key phrasing--but he doubts it. It's not in the spirit of "you're fighting for revival--if you don't think you deserve it, take yourself out." He's not ready to discount the idea that there's no other way, but it isn't that one.]
[it's ok kaveh the team already forgave buzen yesterday so you can keep being angry on your own time
but buzen will just nod at that, accepting. if kaveh believes him, then that's all he can ask for it. the rest of the emotions are fair, and buzen would honestly prefer it if more people were angry with him. while some of them are, for the most part the kindness and warm treatment wins out. it's very confusing.
having someone more straightforwardly(?) leaning toward the emotion of anger is something that he finds simpler to understand, and easier to process.]
Then we'll keep looking. [a beat, like he's trying to figure what's okay for him to say and what isn't. but at the end of the day, it's been proven that buzen is very bad at keeping his mouth shut.] Even if right now, we just have to face forward with what we have. Sometimes I think that's all life is - walking through the hard parts, but still hoping for something better.
... I know it's getting tiring though. This weekend has already been even harder for everyone.
[Team froggystyle is a bunch of weenies that needs to learn how to hold grudges-- (no just kidding)
But Kaveh just looks--kind of tired, now. This weekend has taken a lot out of him, and it makes him feel a little guilty for it. He's taken all of this far too personally, for reasons that have nothing to do with Rin or this place. He doesn't necessarily think he's wrong, but... Buzen's right. It's tiring.]
Some things can't be fixed. Just endured. [Sometimes, hopes and dreams bring suffering instead of happiness.] ...There's one thing I want to discuss with the reapers. If anything comes of it, I'll let you know.
Okay. However I can help, just let me know. I know that I haven't been at my best so far, for one reason or another but... I really do think I'm usually more reliable than this.
[he still wants to touch.... red string week... he puts his hands in his pockets to make it less obvious
the smile he offers is weak, but sincere]
Then everyone better watch out when we're at our best.
[ . . . ]
It's tough, Kaveh-san, but at least we're not alone in all this. Everyone I've talked to is still kind. That gives me hope that we all want the same thing - for everyone to win - so if we find that option, we'll all take it. That's enough for now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 1, sunday
By which I mean Kaveh is just here hovering awkwardly outside the warehouse door, arms tightly crossed. Is he going to knock? No? Okay]
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Eh? Kaveh-san? Oh, sorry, I'll—
[NO HE WAS DOING SO GOOD NOT RUNNING INTO HIM AAAA he turns like he's about to just LEAVE HIS OWN WAREHOUSE BEHIND]
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Seeing him doesn't actually make Kaveh feel any better, even with the red string pull lessening, but that's not surprising. It's not Buzen's fault, after all--it's just how he is.
Even so, he sighs, pushing forward until he can stand with his arm against Buzen's. It's the most he can manage when he still feels like a piece of paper that was crumpled up and then fished back out of the trash can and spread out again. EMOTIONAL HANGOVER.]
I'm still mad at you. [He says that, but there's no actual heat behind it; his anger's mostly gone, and what's left of it isn't really directed at Buzen or his team.]
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but he'll pause when kaveh moves - because right, the red string is still a thing even though buzen has been aggressively ignoring it. maybe this is what kaveh needs to feel better though, and he's not going to deny him that.
even though the words sting a little. but at the same time, the part of buzen that hasn't even forgiven himself is the one that talks]
... that's good. You should be.
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As evidenced by the way he huffs, dissatisfied, like Buzen said the wrong thing HELP. But really it's more that it sounds like something Kaveh himself would say, or at least think, and he doesn't like it.
But he does, at least, know that Buzen doesn't fully understand emotions. And he's calm enough now to try and do a better job at articulating his own thoughts, even if they're still painfully messy.]
...That shouldn't have happened to you. [Because Buzen, and Matsui, even Rang--they were betrayed, at the end of the day. Kaveh might be unhappy with how they handled things afterward, even with the clarity of hindsight--but he can acknowledge this much, and he won't hold it against them.]
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... you don't have to try to forgive me, Kaveh-san. Or... maybe not forgive, but try to be accepting if you don't want to. I know you're a kind person, but - it's okay to have limits.
I don't forgive myself. I'm not satisfied with what efforts I made.
[kaveh: i'm unhappy with you
buzen: cool same]
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[And they're harsher than most would expect him to be capable of, he suspects. None of his kindness or idealism is fake--but his core isn't innocent or pure, not like Rin's was. He's not nearly as bad about it as he used to be, but so much of his behavior is still driven by atonement. By the urge to act like what he believes the world should be, not who he truly is.
He sighs softly.]
I'm not satisfied either. I know you tried. [He would've thought about it even if Rang hadn't said anything.] But I wish that you'd been able to trust me. We could've figured something out. I understand why you didn't--[He'd said as much yesterday--and that fear is something he can empathize with]--but that doesn't make it easier.
[When he saw Haru and Ylfa the day after the announcement, or when he remembers the look on Haru's face when Rin's apparition appeared. It's not on Buzen that they had to endure that--but he can't help but wonder what if they'd done better.
It's unfair to stand here and think Alhaitham would've found a way, Cyno and Tighnari would've found a way. They're not the same people, and it's impossible to know how his own would've truly handled something like that. But there's nothing productive he can do with this helplessness. He can only turn it inward, like everything else.]
...I just hate thinking that nothing will bring him back. [Which is the root of it, really, more than anything Buzen and the others did or didn't do. Catching the killer was important--but at the end of the day, what's done is done. Rin is gone, and if they don't succeed in figuring something else out, the rest of his team will have to go on enduring that grief, until they die or they win. He hasn't given up, but it's hard to feel that passionate determination right now.]
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it's clear when surprise lights up his expression at the sheer idea of it and how instantly he feels moved to try to cross that distance between them, as if physical space is part of the barrier. his hand almost flinches with how quickly he reaches out to kaveh - and then the red string screams when buzen doesn't let the connection finish. he pulls his arm back.]
I trust you. [immediately, instantly] But—even though I think that you and Nahi-chan are some of the smartest people I've ever met, I couldn't do this to you.
[he shakes his head.]
We were scared it had gone wrong right up to the end. What if we hadn't gotten it right, Kaveh-san? What if they voted for Yuneyuze after all, and you and Nahi-chan had to know the entire time? Maybe it could've gone better—or you could've been stuck in the same hell as me and Matsu. And it's our team's problem that caused it, and it would've been our team's responsibility to solve it. We were prepared to destroy it all, if we failed. Even if it meant losing our shot - but I couldn't put that on you, or anyone else I wanted to ask help from.
[d's fate was sealed from the second he told the swords. (i'm sorry anna.) if he had walked out of that room without the vote, then buzen would've killed him the week after - and matsui would've followed buzen to the grave after the most obvious murder in the world. what a stupid turn of events that could've been.
but everyone that buzen adores is far too good to get caught up in something like that.]
... but I'm sorry. I don't know either. If there's a deal with the Reapers that'd let me trade my spot for his, I'd take it. But if there isn't, then—we all have to walk forward. Even though that's the hard answer.
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It doesn't matter much, in the end. Things worked out as they did. Regardless of how any of them feel about the choices that were made, D was caught; that has to be enough.]
I believe you. [That's the best he can say, really. Forgiveness isn't his to offer--that's for Rin's teammates. And in truth, he and Matsui have the same opinions; that absolving them of guilt is the same as taking any responsibility from them, which is unfair. Not just to Rin, but to them.
As for the rest--]
There isn't one. [Tiredly, eventually.] I asked already. Winners can't forfeit.
[It's one of the first things he tried to find out. And maybe there's some other way of phrasing it, some key phrasing--but he doubts it. It's not in the spirit of "you're fighting for revival--if you don't think you deserve it, take yourself out." He's not ready to discount the idea that there's no other way, but it isn't that one.]
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but buzen will just nod at that, accepting. if kaveh believes him, then that's all he can ask for it. the rest of the emotions are fair, and buzen would honestly prefer it if more people were angry with him. while some of them are, for the most part the kindness and warm treatment wins out. it's very confusing.
having someone more straightforwardly(?) leaning toward the emotion of anger is something that he finds simpler to understand, and easier to process.]
Then we'll keep looking. [a beat, like he's trying to figure what's okay for him to say and what isn't. but at the end of the day, it's been proven that buzen is very bad at keeping his mouth shut.] Even if right now, we just have to face forward with what we have. Sometimes I think that's all life is - walking through the hard parts, but still hoping for something better.
... I know it's getting tiring though. This weekend has already been even harder for everyone.
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But Kaveh just looks--kind of tired, now. This weekend has taken a lot out of him, and it makes him feel a little guilty for it. He's taken all of this far too personally, for reasons that have nothing to do with Rin or this place. He doesn't necessarily think he's wrong, but... Buzen's right. It's tiring.]
Some things can't be fixed. Just endured. [Sometimes, hopes and dreams bring suffering instead of happiness.] ...There's one thing I want to discuss with the reapers. If anything comes of it, I'll let you know.
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Okay. However I can help, just let me know. I know that I haven't been at my best so far, for one reason or another but... I really do think I'm usually more reliable than this.
I want to support you all, however I can.
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In that, we're the same.
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the smile he offers is weak, but sincere]
Then everyone better watch out when we're at our best.
[ . . . ]
It's tough, Kaveh-san, but at least we're not alone in all this. Everyone I've talked to is still kind. That gives me hope that we all want the same thing - for everyone to win - so if we find that option, we'll all take it. That's enough for now.