[Fortunately, Kaveh's not too hard to find--he's mostly just wandering, feeling... tired and resigned on top of his sorrow and guilt. He has nowhere to be, so he just nods, and quietly follows Livio without hesitation.]
...Well, this is okay. Maybe in other circumstances, the fussing would be grating--but honestly, after all of this, he's kind of grateful for it. Kaveh is stubbornly self-destructive, but rarely just for the sake of being that way.]
Yogurt or fruit, if they have anything like that. [If they don't... he'll have something savory, but he really wants a comfort food right now.
He pauses, then shifts to look carefully at Livio.]
You don't have to keep holding it back, you know. [Whatever it is he's covering or restraining, beyond that forced calm.]
[It works yeah. He'll probably just eat the fruit but it's better than nothing.
And, probably unsurprisingly, Kaveh sighs--but he doesn't push. Livio's been kind enough to tolerate Kaveh's feelings this week without prying, and he can do the same in return. There's a hint of something like sympathy, there, but he doesn't say anything about that either.
In the end, I don't think knowin' the reason makes it any easier. [ it didn't for him with rin ] We just... need to figure out a way to keep going, is all.
To me... it doesn't matter what she intended. She killed three people, not one. And she tortured Matsui in the process.
[Even if they manage to convince Matsui to cling to life, somehow--which Kaveh isn't at all certain they can, or should, do--Matsui will simply be enduring. He won't be fighting. He won't be living. And truthfully, even if they manage to keep him alive and rescue Buzen, Kaveh suspects Matsui will carry the scars of these past weeks with him forever.
He's quiet for a little while, pushing around a slice of orange.]
I know that people want to live. And I know she may have been... forced into killing, if that's true. But people like Rin, or Buzen... it's just too cruel. [He sighs.] But that's a terrible way to think, too. It's not like people don't deserve to live just because they didn't come here with someone else.
[And yet--this time, he thinks, was too much. Rin's death was terrible and devastating to Haru, yes. But Matsui's already been through so much in the few weeks they've been here. Doing this to him... it was heartless, no matter what Libby's reasons were in the end.]
[ livio is quiet, for a little bit. he doesn't intend to give up on matsui, he rejects the idea that rang and matsui are just going to submit to being erased. he wants to believe there's still a chance for buzen ]
Where did ya hear that from? If ya don't mind me asking.
[ the being forced to kill.... ]
I don't think there's a non-terrible way to think about it. [ the whole situation. it's designed to be terrible, and measure life against life ] But I can't disagree with ya. I'll never forgive D for choosin' Rin.
[ and when livio gets erased, if he has a chance to meet see d again, well. ]
[Kaveh wants to believe, too. His heart aches at the thought of losing even more people he's come to care about, and he would be selfishly glad if Matsui could be talked into surviving. But he'd seen Matsui last week, on their adventure. It's difficult to cling to hope right now.]
Shu told me. I think he heard from Buzen--something about D getting a call. [Resentment rouses in his emotions, just to speak of it.] I assumed D was lying about it, and Kiichi couldn't say either way. But--even if they were forced... it doesn't excuse their choices.
[Libby, at least, seemed somewhat remorseful. Kaveh has very little sympathy for her, especially right now, but he doesn't necessarily think she was lying when she spoke up, at the end. But D... yeah. Kaveh will never forgive D either.]
I heard it, too. It makes sense to me, that people's hands are being forced.... [ there are so many people here that don't want to murder. wild. would never happen in trigun ]
[ but boy does he ever resent d for his choices. d, who could find the beauty in anything that wasn't human, but was willing to kill an innocent human child, for what? being slightly selfish? ]
[ some very, very black emotions threaten to slip past his barrier of forced calm, but ultimately, livio's able to push them back to refocus on kaveh ]
It doesn't, no. Especially since he was her friend, too.
Do you think so? [He frowns a little, toying with his fork.] I thought... I don't know. It doesn't seem like the reapers--or whoever else--care about us at all. I would've thought it wouldn't matter, so long as there's a winning team.
[Like... it seems like more work to push them into playing? It seems like it would almost be easier for those in charge if nobody really had the ambition to stab. Then again, What does he know? Who knows who's watching this "game" of theirs. Maybe it matters more that they're not boring.
That thought sends a fresh wave of righteous fury through him, though Kaveh's also recedes--not because he pulls it back, but because he's still too upset about the whole Buzen situation.
He sighs softly, shoulders curling inward a little.]
...It's been a long time since I lost someone. [Softly.] I'm not used to it anymore.
Don't think it's the Reapers. [ livio doesn't think they really get a say in anything. they're just there to do their job ] But... I think somethin' else is going on.
[ the subtle changes in the rulebook have set livio on edge, even though nothing about murder has been added this week. it never sat with him well ]
[ oh, kaveh...... livio sympathizes, but privately thinks that kaveh is going to have to get used to it. still.... livio didn't have anyone to lose, for such a long time. and now.... ]
Pretty shitty thing to be used to. [ thinking of vash now. woof. unfortunately, he can't offer any words of comfort, because he doesn't think it's going to get better and he doesn't have it in him to pretend ] Sorry.
[Hmm. Well, they already know that there are higher-ups, some kind of complicated system or network that's overseeing all of this. The problem Kaveh's run into is the reapers' insistence that there's no way to get to those people. If the reapers can't help them, and they can't get to the people who can, he doesn't know what else he can do.
He wants to try. He owes it to Buzen, whom he'd been so cruel to in his anger and grief over Rin. To Matsui, even if Matsui doesn't survive to see it. But it's hard, feeling so helpless. Kaveh's gotten too used to being around people who have all the answers, who have the power to make change. It's a little funny, all things considered.
He shakes his head slightly.]
It's okay. It was a long time ago. [Even so, there's a different kind of sorrow there--old and wreathed in immovable guilt.]
[ livio is similarly antsy, but unlike kaveh, he has the opposite experience. of being powerless, under someone else's thumb. it makes sense to him that the reapers can't help him because they're ultimately just pawns for some kind of higher force ]
Kaveh just nods quietly, though, because Livio's right. if he's honest, he's more used to being hurt than he is to being happy--but that's exactly why he tries not to be honest. What kind of person wants to drag their friends down with them?
It's reflex to take a deep breath, to try and sort his emotions out into something less like stifling sadness. He doesn't force a happy demeanor--it feels wrong to do that today, for Buzen's sake--but he tries to at least temper that old mourning.]
They can. But living with that is just part of life. [Sometimes life is 80% pain and that's just how it be]
[ livio can relate to that. he's got a pretty naturally gloomy and quiet personality, he just tries to be optimistic because it's what vash would do. he tries hard! sometimes he just doesn't have it in him, though ]
[ like right now. he continues not to have any words of comfort for kaveh ]
Yeah. So we'll have to go on.... for Buzen's sake, too. Right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohthehumanities) wrote2023-06-10 01:09 pm
week 2, saturday
Let's go to the diner.
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What do ya wanna order?
[ keep your strength up, kaveh!! ]
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...Well, this is okay. Maybe in other circumstances, the fussing would be grating--but honestly, after all of this, he's kind of grateful for it. Kaveh is stubbornly self-destructive, but rarely just for the sake of being that way.]
Yogurt or fruit, if they have anything like that. [If they don't... he'll have something savory, but he really wants a comfort food right now.
He pauses, then shifts to look carefully at Livio.]
You don't have to keep holding it back, you know. [Whatever it is he's covering or restraining, beyond that forced calm.]
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Guess this'll have to do.
[ also? yes he does ]
Thanks, Mister Kaveh. [ and he is genuinely grateful for the sentiment! but his vibes do not change. i'm sorry he's like this ]
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And, probably unsurprisingly, Kaveh sighs--but he doesn't push. Livio's been kind enough to tolerate Kaveh's feelings this week without prying, and he can do the same in return. There's a hint of something like sympathy, there, but he doesn't say anything about that either.
Instead--]
Are you going to talk to her?
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[ he considers saying something, but.... ultimately decides against it. ]
I might try. [ he's not expecting too much, but, canting his head ] You were closer to Buzen than I was. Are you going to talk to her?
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No. [That's an easy answer, at least.] I'll say something I'll regret if I do.
[He's not particularly close to Libby, but. He's done so much of that already.
...]
I don't really want to hear anything she has to say anyway.
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[ hmmm ]
In the end, I don't think knowin' the reason makes it any easier. [ it didn't for him with rin ] We just... need to figure out a way to keep going, is all.
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[Even if they manage to convince Matsui to cling to life, somehow--which Kaveh isn't at all certain they can, or should, do--Matsui will simply be enduring. He won't be fighting. He won't be living. And truthfully, even if they manage to keep him alive and rescue Buzen, Kaveh suspects Matsui will carry the scars of these past weeks with him forever.
He's quiet for a little while, pushing around a slice of orange.]
I know that people want to live. And I know she may have been... forced into killing, if that's true. But people like Rin, or Buzen... it's just too cruel. [He sighs.] But that's a terrible way to think, too. It's not like people don't deserve to live just because they didn't come here with someone else.
[And yet--this time, he thinks, was too much. Rin's death was terrible and devastating to Haru, yes. But Matsui's already been through so much in the few weeks they've been here. Doing this to him... it was heartless, no matter what Libby's reasons were in the end.]
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Where did ya hear that from? If ya don't mind me asking.
[ the being forced to kill.... ]
I don't think there's a non-terrible way to think about it. [ the whole situation. it's designed to be terrible, and measure life against life ] But I can't disagree with ya. I'll never forgive D for choosin' Rin.
[ and when livio gets erased, if he has a chance to meet see d again, well. ]
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Shu told me. I think he heard from Buzen--something about D getting a call. [Resentment rouses in his emotions, just to speak of it.] I assumed D was lying about it, and Kiichi couldn't say either way. But--even if they were forced... it doesn't excuse their choices.
[Libby, at least, seemed somewhat remorseful. Kaveh has very little sympathy for her, especially right now, but he doesn't necessarily think she was lying when she spoke up, at the end. But D... yeah. Kaveh will never forgive D either.]
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[ but boy does he ever resent d for his choices. d, who could find the beauty in anything that wasn't human, but was willing to kill an innocent human child, for what? being slightly selfish? ]
[ some very, very black emotions threaten to slip past his barrier of forced calm, but ultimately, livio's able to push them back to refocus on kaveh ]
It doesn't, no. Especially since he was her friend, too.
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[Like... it seems like more work to push them into playing? It seems like it would almost be easier for those in charge if nobody really had the ambition to stab. Then again, What does he know? Who knows who's watching this "game" of theirs. Maybe it matters more that they're not boring.
That thought sends a fresh wave of righteous fury through him, though Kaveh's also recedes--not because he pulls it back, but because he's still too upset about the whole Buzen situation.
He sighs softly, shoulders curling inward a little.]
...It's been a long time since I lost someone. [Softly.] I'm not used to it anymore.
[That hollow devastation.]
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[ the subtle changes in the rulebook have set livio on edge, even though nothing about murder has been added this week. it never sat with him well ]
[ oh, kaveh...... livio sympathizes, but privately thinks that kaveh is going to have to get used to it. still.... livio didn't have anyone to lose, for such a long time. and now.... ]
Pretty shitty thing to be used to. [ thinking of vash now. woof. unfortunately, he can't offer any words of comfort, because he doesn't think it's going to get better and he doesn't have it in him to pretend ] Sorry.
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He wants to try. He owes it to Buzen, whom he'd been so cruel to in his anger and grief over Rin. To Matsui, even if Matsui doesn't survive to see it. But it's hard, feeling so helpless. Kaveh's gotten too used to being around people who have all the answers, who have the power to make change. It's a little funny, all things considered.
He shakes his head slightly.]
It's okay. It was a long time ago. [Even so, there's a different kind of sorrow there--old and wreathed in immovable guilt.]
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[ livio is similarly antsy, but unlike kaveh, he has the opposite experience. of being powerless, under someone else's thumb. it makes sense to him that the reapers can't help him because they're ultimately just pawns for some kind of higher force ]
[ just trigun things ]
[ also weh kaveh ]
Old things can still hurt.
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Kaveh just nods quietly, though, because Livio's right. if he's honest, he's more used to being hurt than he is to being happy--but that's exactly why he tries not to be honest. What kind of person wants to drag their friends down with them?
It's reflex to take a deep breath, to try and sort his emotions out into something less like stifling sadness. He doesn't force a happy demeanor--it feels wrong to do that today, for Buzen's sake--but he tries to at least temper that old mourning.]
They can. But living with that is just part of life. [Sometimes life is 80% pain and that's just how it be]
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[ like right now. he continues not to have any words of comfort for kaveh ]
Yeah. So we'll have to go on.... for Buzen's sake, too. Right?
[ that's the best he got ]