[ it's the same as always. irritation boils in the pit of his stomach, all too familiar in the past couple of days. the last thing he wants is to get angry again, not when kaveh is obviously trying, so he holds onto the coffee cup a little tighter with both hands, like that might make it go away. ]
I don't know what you want from me either, Kaveh-san. You were pretty clear, and it's like anything I could do will change your mind.
It's not-- [When he speaks again, it's awkward, stilted. Also, I've just learned that he looks kind of ill during this whole conversation HELPPPP] --that doesn't mean I don't want you around. I care about you, Kazuki. Trust me, I understand how hypocritical that makes me. [He sighs, looking down. Being so straightforward feels like speaking around glass in his throat, but--it can't get much worse than what he already said yesterday.] It isn't that I don't want anyone to care for me at all. It's more that... I don't like to make others worry, or put them out. I've yet to figure out how to balance that kind of feeling.
[ NOT KAVEH TOO HELP. kazuki is also suddenly regretting this coffee i'm losing it but between this and what kaveh says, some of the anger starts to drain out of him. ]
You are a hypocrite. [ still blunt, if a little sulky. ] Haven't you ever thought about how it feels to be on the other side? To see someone like you pushing yourself constantly and to be told that caring too much about you is a problem for you.
Of course I have. [Which is why he usually never talks about it and tries as hard as he can to look like he's doing okay, no matter how he actually feels--but he knows better than to say that.] Would you believe me if I said I was trying to get my life together before all of this? I don't want to be the sort of person that others have to worry about. Genuinely, I mean.
[He just will never succeed in actually getting his life together because there's always someone who needs help more than he does--but at least it's not from a lack of a genuine desire to be, like. Stable.]
[ accidentally raising his voice, he turns a little too fast, and immediately regrets it. when he manages to pull himself back together a second later, his voice is quieter, but shaky. ]
No matter what you do, no matter what your life is like, someone is always going to care or worry about you. That's how people are. That's what having family and friends is. If you keep pushing that away and don't ever stop and listen, even if you really don't need someone to look after you - it's as good as saying our feelings don't matter. And I'm really tired of being treated like that.
[No, that's fair. Please yell at him, he deserves it.
To his credit, he does seem like he's listening. He puts a hand to his mouth, brow furrowed.]
...We're picturing different things, I think. [Or... well. Maybe not exactly different--but looking at it from different angles.] I don't exactly mind what you're talking about--that kind of care. And I promise, I do treasure those people who look out for me. [Tighnari, in particular; Cyno too. Even Alhaitham, though he can't bring himself to say it. If he truly hated it, he would have rejected their assistance completely. He truly believes that, and he does his best to convey that, as genuinely as he can.]
It's not that I don't want anyone to care at all, ever--or that I don't appreciate it when they do. I just want to be able to say that things are good, and mean it, when they do.
[ maybe it is different... he always did find it hard to stop and think before letting his temper take over, so kaveh is probably right. what does kazuki know, anyway? they're still basically strangers, just like everyone else. ]
Nothing is ever going to be good as long as long as we're stuck here. It's just like - [ shakes his head. ] No, it's even worse, here. People are going to keep getting erased, and we're going to keep having these trials, and... whatever happened to you guys on Thursday - that could happen again, too.
You can't tell me not to worry about you when it's like this. I'm always going to be worried. The only way that's going to stop is when I'm erased.
[It's not like Kazuki's wrong. Kaveh knows that--knows that by caring so deeply about the rest of them, he is, in essence, dragging them down by proxy. Isn't this why he cut contact with his mother? Isn't this why he turns away, again and again, from every sign that Alhaitham does not hate him as much as they both claim?
But he can't do that here. It's too late, even if he wanted to try. And he knows himself too well--his ridiculous longing for companionship would drive him back toward everyone else one way or another.]
I don't want to take that away from you. [That much, at least, he can say easily.] But all I can do is promise to try. [And if that's not enough, he'll understand.]
[ the question is... should he believe it? that kaveh will really try. he's heard similar platitudes before that didn't mean anything, and he's tired of them already.
a pause, and kazuki's shoulders slump, letting some of the tension he'd been holding onto melt away. ]
I'm going to hold you to that.
[ this may be as close to accepting an apology as he can get right now, but maybe it's better than nothing. ]
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ohthehumanities) wrote2023-06-10 01:04 pm
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Kazuki--[He falters, again. He crosses his arms, ignoring the pain it sends through his wrist in order to draw a little more into himself.
Slowly, awkwardly:]
...I don't want to go in there like this. But I don't know what I could say that would help without lying to you, and I don't want to do that either.
no subject
[ it's the same as always. irritation boils in the pit of his stomach, all too familiar in the past couple of days. the last thing he wants is to get angry again, not when kaveh is obviously trying, so he holds onto the coffee cup a little tighter with both hands, like that might make it go away. ]
I don't know what you want from me either, Kaveh-san. You were pretty clear, and it's like anything I could do will change your mind.
[ so why waste time trying? ]
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no subject
You are a hypocrite. [ still blunt, if a little sulky. ] Haven't you ever thought about how it feels to be on the other side? To see someone like you pushing yourself constantly and to be told that caring too much about you is a problem for you.
no subject
Of course I have. [Which is why he usually never talks about it and tries as hard as he can to look like he's doing okay, no matter how he actually feels--but he knows better than to say that.] Would you believe me if I said I was trying to get my life together before all of this? I don't want to be the sort of person that others have to worry about. Genuinely, I mean.
[He just will never succeed in actually getting his life together because there's always someone who needs help more than he does--but at least it's not from a lack of a genuine desire to be, like. Stable.]
no subject
[ accidentally raising his voice, he turns a little too fast, and immediately regrets it. when he manages to pull himself back together a second later, his voice is quieter, but shaky. ]
No matter what you do, no matter what your life is like, someone is always going to care or worry about you. That's how people are. That's what having family and friends is. If you keep pushing that away and don't ever stop and listen, even if you really don't need someone to look after you - it's as good as saying our feelings don't matter. And I'm really tired of being treated like that.
no subject
To his credit, he does seem like he's listening. He puts a hand to his mouth, brow furrowed.]
...We're picturing different things, I think. [Or... well. Maybe not exactly different--but looking at it from different angles.] I don't exactly mind what you're talking about--that kind of care. And I promise, I do treasure those people who look out for me. [Tighnari, in particular; Cyno too. Even Alhaitham, though he can't bring himself to say it. If he truly hated it, he would have rejected their assistance completely. He truly believes that, and he does his best to convey that, as genuinely as he can.]
It's not that I don't want anyone to care at all, ever--or that I don't appreciate it when they do. I just want to be able to say that things are good, and mean it, when they do.
no subject
Nothing is ever going to be good as long as long as we're stuck here. It's just like - [ shakes his head. ] No, it's even worse, here. People are going to keep getting erased, and we're going to keep having these trials, and... whatever happened to you guys on Thursday - that could happen again, too.
You can't tell me not to worry about you when it's like this. I'm always going to be worried. The only way that's going to stop is when I'm erased.
no subject
But he can't do that here. It's too late, even if he wanted to try. And he knows himself too well--his ridiculous longing for companionship would drive him back toward everyone else one way or another.]
I don't want to take that away from you. [That much, at least, he can say easily.] But all I can do is promise to try. [And if that's not enough, he'll understand.]
no subject
a pause, and kazuki's shoulders slump, letting some of the tension he'd been holding onto melt away. ]
I'm going to hold you to that.
[ this may be as close to accepting an apology as he can get right now, but maybe it's better than nothing. ]