[Valerie was a fighter, but she was still young. And yes, her death meant that a team of two could make it another week--but still. It doesn't sit the same, in his chest. It never will.]
You wouldn't do that. [It doesn't matter what he saw in Livio's memories, what kind of person Livio is in his own world. Kaveh knows him here as someone kind, caring, protective. It doesn't matter that it's just an example--he can't entertain the thought.] And that's completely different. She and Haru are-- [He stops, then shakes his head.] --It's not the same thing.
[ he's quiet for a while, deciding how to proceed ]
Why do you have so little faith in yourself...? Why is it to easy for you to blame yourself?
[ when it's so easy for kaveh to believe in a monster like him? he won't say that part out loud, because he knows kaveh will argue with him. he doesn't want to give him any chance of escape ]
This isn't a matter of faith. [But even if it was, he would still take the same stance.] We were directly responsible for this. Even if we didn't make the rules of this place--we still chose to play by them and hurt someone. That's not something we can put on anyone else.
[He looks down.]
...I couldn't even keep Nahida safe. I was too afraid of getting someone innocent caught up in everything.
[He couldn't even think of a good lie, any sort of excuse that would have taken the heat off of Nahida. Why would he have faith in himself? What has he ever done to deserve any?]
If I knew, isn't it the same? [...He draws in a shaky breath, wiping at his eyes again.] I didn't do anything to stop her. But I didn't do anything to try and get us into first place, either. I said I wanted to get her home, but all I've done is fail her.
If you had killed someone, you'd be hating yourself just as much. There's no right answer, Kaveh. But that doesn't make you, or Nahida, or anyone else here horrible.
...I don't think it does. [Maybe. Probably. It's more complicated than that by now--he does know that, even if it's hard to remember.
They're not malicious people. It was barely even a matter of survival. But Kaveh wasn't malicious as a child, either, and he still got his father killed. What does that make him now?]
But we still took someone away from people who cared about her. D took Rin from Haru. Libby took Buzen from Matsui. Regardless of our intentions, I can't put that aside.
But there's nothing he can say to that. Kaveh does believe, despite everything, that he doesn't truly hate himself--he knows that he has merits as well as flaws, and there are some things he doesn't blame himself for, some standards that he'll let himself reach.
But those are the good days. The days when they're quieter, those insidious voices that tell him how much he deserves to suffer for all the pain he'd caused his family. The days when he's made people happy, whether it's through his work or a gesture of kindness. When he can tell himself he isn't a burden on his friends and believe that it's true.
This is not one of those good days. So he doesn't say anything, just curls in on himself a little more.]
[ it's ok trigun characters also don't know what therapy is!! ]
[ but, well, that is about all the emotional talk livio has in him, unfortunately. this truly isn't his area of expertise. maybe the wounds are too fresh. maybe he's just cut out for having these kinds of talks. nahida's probably better suited to it, but, well, there's an issue there too. ]
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ohthehumanities) wrote2023-06-10 01:09 pm
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[ he knows you too well mini-vash... ]
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[LISTEN yeah]
...We couldn't even help figure out what happened to Setsu and Simon.
1/2
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But still, what? We all know how it works by now. We're all doing our best. You can't take it all on your shoulders.
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His mouth twists miserably, like he wants to argue, but he can't think of anything to say.]
...We still hurt people. No matter the reason--that's still true.
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Do you blame Yuneyuze for hurting you, when Yang Guifei killed your teammate?
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[Valerie was a fighter, but she was still young. And yes, her death meant that a team of two could make it another week--but still. It doesn't sit the same, in his chest. It never will.]
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[ not that he's planning to, but he's trying to make a point ]
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That's--don't say that.
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[ this is a hypothetical ]
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She and Haru are...?
[ he's dragging you to the end of this line of thought, kaveh ]
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Eventually, he shakes his head.]
...It's just different.
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Why do you have so little faith in yourself...? Why is it to easy for you to blame yourself?
[ when it's so easy for kaveh to believe in a monster like him? he won't say that part out loud, because he knows kaveh will argue with him. he doesn't want to give him any chance of escape ]
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[He looks down.]
...I couldn't even keep Nahida safe. I was too afraid of getting someone innocent caught up in everything.
[He couldn't even think of a good lie, any sort of excuse that would have taken the heat off of Nahida. Why would he have faith in himself? What has he ever done to deserve any?]
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[ presumably. unless go to sleep pulls a bdsm tomorrow. ]
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And... well. Yeah, he kind of does, but--]
If I knew, isn't it the same? [...He draws in a shaky breath, wiping at his eyes again.] I didn't do anything to stop her. But I didn't do anything to try and get us into first place, either. I said I wanted to get her home, but all I've done is fail her.
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[ livio says that very gently. ]
If you had killed someone, you'd be hating yourself just as much. There's no right answer, Kaveh. But that doesn't make you, or Nahida, or anyone else here horrible.
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They're not malicious people. It was barely even a matter of survival. But Kaveh wasn't malicious as a child, either, and he still got his father killed. What does that make him now?]
But we still took someone away from people who cared about her. D took Rin from Haru. Libby took Buzen from Matsui. Regardless of our intentions, I can't put that aside.
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I know. And I'm not asking you to... but I think you need to be a little kinder to yourself.
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But there's nothing he can say to that. Kaveh does believe, despite everything, that he doesn't truly hate himself--he knows that he has merits as well as flaws, and there are some things he doesn't blame himself for, some standards that he'll let himself reach.
But those are the good days. The days when they're quieter, those insidious voices that tell him how much he deserves to suffer for all the pain he'd caused his family. The days when he's made people happy, whether it's through his work or a gesture of kindness. When he can tell himself he isn't a burden on his friends and believe that it's true.
This is not one of those good days. So he doesn't say anything, just curls in on himself a little more.]
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[ but, well, that is about all the emotional talk livio has in him, unfortunately. this truly isn't his area of expertise. maybe the wounds are too fresh. maybe he's just cut out for having these kinds of talks. nahida's probably better suited to it, but, well, there's an issue there too. ]
[ so he'll just sit next to kaveh quietly. ]