ohthehumanities | catchall; rang lee

[Whether he did or didn't--maybe if he felt calmer, more in control of himself, he would give a more genuine answer. Something that more eloquently captures the complex tangle of anger, grief, guilt, and sympathy. He doesn't hold anything against Matsui, really. He's upset with Buzen, but he'll understand once he's in the space to do so. And he has no idea how he feels about D--won't, until he knows for sure what happened.

But he doesn't say that. Kaveh handles hurt so, so poorly, and his first instinct is to lash out.]

Why shouldn't I? They knew, didn't they? You all did. [He doesn't have proof of that, but he says it with conviction.] You all watched his teammates--you watched Haru have to go through all of that, [THERE WAS A CREEPY RIN GHOST] and you still would've let us fail!

[Would've let him fail, really, is what it comes down to it. If he'd been smarter, quicker on the uptake--again. For two weeks in a row, he's failed to do anything substantial for the dead. He has no other way of handling the pain of that besides taking his anger out on the rest of them. Some part of him knows, from experience, that this will only crystallize into more guilt and self-hatred later--but isn't that what he deserves anyway?]

[this is acceptable, really. this is a normal reaction to have, and rang accepts it -- just like he has the rest. in fact, he likes this one, but

he wishes he could like it more. because it's blame directed at the team, but he thinks he has seen kaveh enough -- HE SAID HE HATES HIMSELF TO HIM???? -- to know that this accusation is self-inflicted too. too much like all the others. 'i should've known' 'i should've seen'. lashing out in every direction, including themselves. it's so incredibly annoying. maybe he doesn't like it after all?

his hand whips out towards Kaveh, attempting to grab his collar, not to drag him forward, but to just keep him in place,]

You're right. I would have let you all fail. I wanted you too. But as much as you think you're an idiot for not realizing, you're not stupid enough not to notice that Buzen and Matsui were trying to help you.

[rang thinks. he really does think. he wants kaveh to confirm it, because it had to have been obvious, because if kaveh noticed it then at least one person would have realized, and that means Rang is free to hate the rest for blindly ignoring this]

[He's right, of course. For better or for worse, Kaveh is a genius--and though that primarily applies to his work, it also means he's not blind enough to have missed it. Not when it took him time to walk here--time alone, with nothing but his thoughts. Buzen and Matsui refusing to let others clear them of suspicion. Gently urging people back whenever they started to stray too far in the wrong direction. Kaveh knows too much about what Matsui went through on Thursday to really blame him anyway, and Buzen is too honest, too openly sweet and caring for him to not understand that he'd done the best he could.

But it wasn't enough. And maybe that's unfair to place on them--but it hasn't been long enough for him to be willing to acknowledge that. Rang can grab him, but Kaveh's hand flies up to grab his wrist in return, nails digging in. Not to hold him in place--just to make someone else hurt.]

That doesn't undo all the hurt you caused them. [A broad "you," for all four of them. Maybe Kaveh has a problem with self-blame--but right now, he doesn't think he's wrong to refuse immediate forgiveness.

Intentions matter so little, in the end.] It won't bring him back.

You're so annoying.

[it is a playground insult, but rang flings it out anyway. the pain in his wrist is waking him up, keeping him alive, which is what he needs now that they're moving onto this. what's really important.

there's a fist over his heart and it's crushing him deep, made worse at the mention. at least kaveh didn't say his name out loud, but it's enough. rang staggers back physically, then immediately lets go, whipping his hand away]

Maybe he should have wanted to live then, instead of being afraid. He's the one who knew so many people cared about him -- why didn't he fight back? Then we wouldn't be here having this conversation, having to talk to the rest of you.

[I think about how we're cucked out of Kaveh punching Rang in the face because you're the executioner]

Don't you dare put this on him.

[He doesn't even seem to hear the insult--if there's anything that can stoke his temper back to life, it's righteous fury on behalf of someone else. He lets Rang tear himself away, but he doesn't let him stagger back too far, made bold and reckless and confrontational in his devastation.

Everyone thinks Kaveh is harmless. That he's mostly kind, that he would never do true harm to another person. They have no idea of the ugly truth of his soul; that he can be so harsh, so cruel under the right circumstances. That he's caused so much more suffering than most of them know. That he won't hesitate to bare his claws and fangs on behalf of someone else.]

That boy held onto his kindness until the end. He's better than you or I will ever be.

[at that, rang laughs -- the sound harsh and grating.]

And yet, we're both still here.

[thinks about how execution is over so now i can meta about d

he thinks about d who killed rin. d who had been just as kind and caring, who had been willing to give humans a chance -- who hadn't been as warped as rang was when it came to them. that kindness in him did nothing to save him either, had chained him by the ankle and dragged him down this path that they're all stuck in.]

What use is kindness, when it didn't save him?

[The worst part is, for all Kaveh's anger and grief--grief that is, in truth, about so much more than just Rin, just this place--Rang is right. Kaveh can stand here and say that Rin shouldn't have had to suffer, that he was one of the people here who deserved this the least--but that won't bring him back. Kindness didn't save Rin. (It didn't save his father.) More than anything, it's probably what got him killed. (It's what got his father killed.)

He can't hide the quiet devastation on his face--is in no state to try. He averts his gaze, shutting his eyes tightly and digging his nails into his palms.]

...No. It didn't. [He has to concede that. He has no other choice.] But the people who love him are still here. And I will not let anyone cause them any more pain.

[He can't protect their lives. But he can at least try to make sure that they don't become the sort of survivor that he is.]

[There's a part of Rang that enjoys seeing the hurt on Kaveh's face, even if he knows that none of it is his fault. He hadn't killed Rin, so he can't take the credit for the pain laid bare before him. But it's just as well, that other people are suffering besides him. They all should be.

The other part is annoyed -- angry that because this wasn't his decision, he can't reap all of the hatred that should have come his way. that tomorrow, when he remains, there will be people who will pity him, no matter what he does. that he prefers the look of fury on kaveh's face more than the devastation.

he takes one step back, then another.]

Then tell them to stay away from me.

[because he cannot be trusted around them not to lash out, if he can't be trusted with kaveh,]

Or they'll just end up hearing worse.

[anyway he's going to beat a retreat and hit da bricks, skeleton style. if it's cowardly of him, he doesn't care. he just wants to go leave and keep moving, and follow the pull of a string that he knows has nothing on the other side,]

catchall; rang lee

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tags you while you're in execution hehe

beats you up this tag emotionally destroyed me

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