Kaveh (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohthehumanities) wrote2023-07-10 08:27 pm
ohthehumanities) wrote2023-07-10 08:27 pm
Entry tags:
memshare: fallout
"If you say so, Kaveh."
There are three people across from you. All of them are wearing Akademiya uniforms, and they all look young--in their early twenties, at the latest. They're all giving you highly uncertain looks, but that doesn't bother you. The important part is that you've talked them around.
You're exhausted. You haven't eaten a real meal in days, and you've barely slept for weeks, trying to figure out a way to keep this whole thing from falling apart. It wouldn't be so hard if Alhaitham would just come around, and gods, but sometimes you hate him as much as you love him--but it's fine, you knew what you were getting into. You're the one who dragged him into this project, after all. The issues that arise fall on your shoulders.
You smile with bright relief at your fellow students, then hastily shove your things into your bag and wave goodbye. You're late--you promised Alhaitham you'd meet with him at Razan Garden--but that's nothing new. The only difference is that Alhaitham doesn't know you weren't caught up working, but you'll tell him. It'll be fine.
Sure enough, when you skid into the pavilion, you spot him. He sits alone in the usual spot with his nose in a book, as always. He is the most infuriating person you've ever met in your life, and you think you might actually die trying to get him to socialize like an actual human being--and yet, you can't remember the last time your heart felt this light. It was so hard to find motivation after your father's death, after your mother's departure overseas. Some days, you thought the loneliness, the guilt, would suffocate you; the silence in what used to be a home has such a physical weight to it, especially in the darkness of the night.
But Alhaitham challenges you. He inspires you. He makes you prove your points, makes you think in a way that no one else does. He is, undoubtedly, your best friend.
"Haiyi!" You call, hurrying over. You slide into place beside him, happily dropping your bag down. He glances up at you, then back down at the page--then back at you, his brow creasing. He lowers the book.
"Kaveh. Did you get any sleep at all?"
You hate how easily he picks up on these things, but you've gotten used to it by now. You wave your hand, trying to dismiss it as you dig the thesis draft papers out.
"Don't worry about that! Listen, I talked to the others--I know, I know, but just hear me out." If you speak quickly enough, maybe he won't be able to argue with you. You flip through the pages quickly, so you can point out what you want him to look at. "And they're willing to stay on, so long as we split the workload a little more. So, I was thinking I could take on Amir's portion about the formulas they used for the interior passages, see, right here--"
"Kaveh." Ah. No, he isn't going to let you get away with it today. "That's 80% of his contribution."
"No, it's fine! The math is easy for me anyway, so it won't take long. Anyway--"
"Kaveh." Oh. He sounds irritated, now. Immediately, your hackles begin to rise, because the two of you can only ever clash spectacularly. Alhaitham refuses to dim himself for others, and that is part of the problem. "How many times do I have to tell you that academia is not a charity?"
"And how many times do I have to tell you that you should help other people?" It's a well-worn argument at this point, but it never fails to get you heated. "Not everyone can be a natural genius like you, Alhaitham! If someone is putting in the hard work--"
"But they aren't putting in the hard work," Alhaitham snaps, and you jump, a little startled. "They're sitting back and waiting for you to do it for them, because they know you will. You're working yourself to death--"
"And so what if I do?" You snap back, your hands tightening on the paper. "As long as I still do my part--"
"--and you probably leapt at the chance to do it, didn't you--"
"Only because you won't even give them the time of day!"
"--all because you're so desperate to be punished, but you refuse to acknowledge it, because if you do, you know I'll be able to prove your thinking is completely illogical."
You gape at him. "Excuse me?"
"When will you admit that this self-destructive altruism is nothing more than your misguided, inescapable sense of guilt?"
Later, you'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment that Alhaitham realized he crossed a line. Later, when you dwell on this memory, you'll realize you saw his expression falter, that you saw him understand the impact of his sharp words. Right now, though, you can barely see anything. Your gaze is beginning to blur, and that makes you even angrier, because you refuse to let him see you cry.
"Kaveh--"
"No." You get to your feet, trembling, gathering your things. You don't know if you're furious, or embarrassed--just that it hurts. It hurts in a way you never expected from Alhaitham. From your equal, from your mirror. "Fine. If you really can't stand my personality, then you won't have to deal with it again. Everyone else was right. Working with you has been a nightmare anyway! Since you clearly don't care about anyone but yourself, I'll stop inflicting my presence on you."
Decisively, you take the papers in your hand, and tear them neatly in two. Then, you stack them, and tear them again. You shove them in your bag, then turn on your heel and walk away.
Alhaitham does not follow you.
There are three people across from you. All of them are wearing Akademiya uniforms, and they all look young--in their early twenties, at the latest. They're all giving you highly uncertain looks, but that doesn't bother you. The important part is that you've talked them around.
You're exhausted. You haven't eaten a real meal in days, and you've barely slept for weeks, trying to figure out a way to keep this whole thing from falling apart. It wouldn't be so hard if Alhaitham would just come around, and gods, but sometimes you hate him as much as you love him--but it's fine, you knew what you were getting into. You're the one who dragged him into this project, after all. The issues that arise fall on your shoulders.
You smile with bright relief at your fellow students, then hastily shove your things into your bag and wave goodbye. You're late--you promised Alhaitham you'd meet with him at Razan Garden--but that's nothing new. The only difference is that Alhaitham doesn't know you weren't caught up working, but you'll tell him. It'll be fine.
Sure enough, when you skid into the pavilion, you spot him. He sits alone in the usual spot with his nose in a book, as always. He is the most infuriating person you've ever met in your life, and you think you might actually die trying to get him to socialize like an actual human being--and yet, you can't remember the last time your heart felt this light. It was so hard to find motivation after your father's death, after your mother's departure overseas. Some days, you thought the loneliness, the guilt, would suffocate you; the silence in what used to be a home has such a physical weight to it, especially in the darkness of the night.
But Alhaitham challenges you. He inspires you. He makes you prove your points, makes you think in a way that no one else does. He is, undoubtedly, your best friend.
"Haiyi!" You call, hurrying over. You slide into place beside him, happily dropping your bag down. He glances up at you, then back down at the page--then back at you, his brow creasing. He lowers the book.
"Kaveh. Did you get any sleep at all?"
You hate how easily he picks up on these things, but you've gotten used to it by now. You wave your hand, trying to dismiss it as you dig the thesis draft papers out.
"Don't worry about that! Listen, I talked to the others--I know, I know, but just hear me out." If you speak quickly enough, maybe he won't be able to argue with you. You flip through the pages quickly, so you can point out what you want him to look at. "And they're willing to stay on, so long as we split the workload a little more. So, I was thinking I could take on Amir's portion about the formulas they used for the interior passages, see, right here--"
"Kaveh." Ah. No, he isn't going to let you get away with it today. "That's 80% of his contribution."
"No, it's fine! The math is easy for me anyway, so it won't take long. Anyway--"
"Kaveh." Oh. He sounds irritated, now. Immediately, your hackles begin to rise, because the two of you can only ever clash spectacularly. Alhaitham refuses to dim himself for others, and that is part of the problem. "How many times do I have to tell you that academia is not a charity?"
"And how many times do I have to tell you that you should help other people?" It's a well-worn argument at this point, but it never fails to get you heated. "Not everyone can be a natural genius like you, Alhaitham! If someone is putting in the hard work--"
"But they aren't putting in the hard work," Alhaitham snaps, and you jump, a little startled. "They're sitting back and waiting for you to do it for them, because they know you will. You're working yourself to death--"
"And so what if I do?" You snap back, your hands tightening on the paper. "As long as I still do my part--"
"--and you probably leapt at the chance to do it, didn't you--"
"Only because you won't even give them the time of day!"
"--all because you're so desperate to be punished, but you refuse to acknowledge it, because if you do, you know I'll be able to prove your thinking is completely illogical."
You gape at him. "Excuse me?"
"When will you admit that this self-destructive altruism is nothing more than your misguided, inescapable sense of guilt?"
Later, you'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment that Alhaitham realized he crossed a line. Later, when you dwell on this memory, you'll realize you saw his expression falter, that you saw him understand the impact of his sharp words. Right now, though, you can barely see anything. Your gaze is beginning to blur, and that makes you even angrier, because you refuse to let him see you cry.
"Kaveh--"
"No." You get to your feet, trembling, gathering your things. You don't know if you're furious, or embarrassed--just that it hurts. It hurts in a way you never expected from Alhaitham. From your equal, from your mirror. "Fine. If you really can't stand my personality, then you won't have to deal with it again. Everyone else was right. Working with you has been a nightmare anyway! Since you clearly don't care about anyone but yourself, I'll stop inflicting my presence on you."
Decisively, you take the papers in your hand, and tear them neatly in two. Then, you stack them, and tear them again. You shove them in your bag, then turn on your heel and walk away.
Alhaitham does not follow you.