[The one good thing about explosions is that they don't last for long. Shrapnel can only fly so far, and flames always die down sooner or later.
That's how Jonas finds him, later in the day. Like the skeletal framework of a burnt-out building, Kaveh sits in the park, gazing out over the lake. There's a hollow sort of mourning to him, which, at least, is probably better than an empty void.
There are times when he wants nothing more than to shy away from being perceived, hating the idea of saturating his friends in his ever-present misery. But today isn't that day. Today, he knows, all of them are shocked, are hurt, are devastated in their own ways. For once, he feels no guilt or shame about it.]
I don't mind. [His voice is raw, which, well. He'd obviously been crying. But he shifts, making room for Jonas.] Though I won't be good company.
[ it's not surprising. kaveh's feelings don't surprise him, and that response doesn't either as he moves to settle down next to him but keeping a respectable distance anyway.
everyone's hurting today. it'd be shitty to think that anyone should have to feel bad about what they're feeling, and it's why jonas shrugs. ]
I don't think any of us are good company right now. Which is probably why we're all good enough for each other right now in the first place? [ a pause. ] Sympathizing and everything.
[Kaveh doesn't react either way as he sits--he doesn't move closer or further away, just stays where he is. He makes a soft sound of acknowledgment, but then he's quiet for a while.
Eventually:]
I knew he didn't want to live. But I thought it would be his choice.
the thing is...it's not even something that's wrong to say. ]
Matsui told me...that they were never planning to win. So it should have been. It should have been their choice entirely instead of having their hands forced. [ the second "they" is a reference to matsui and rang, because that bothers him, too. ] Having that option taken away just feels like a kick in the teeth.
[It's not all that surprising to hear, given the sort of people they were--the sort of person Buzen was, really, and knowing that Matsui probably would've done anything for him. But it hurts his heart to think of it anyway.]
...Buzen wanted so badly to protect us. [Softly.] I never even told him I wasn't angry with him anymore.
[It was naive, in hindsight. Stupid to forget that there was no guarantee they had any time. But he really hadn't thought he'd lose his chance. He'd never dreamed that someone would go after Buzen--not this soon. And Kaveh couldn't do a thing about it before the rest of Buzen's team slipped through his fingers.]
[ he tilts his head a little at that, wondering if it's his place to ask. ]
...what were you even angry with him for? What happened last week? I feel like maybe Buzen was the type of person who'd understand. [ and so maybe it isn't so bad, even if jonas is well-aware how crushing it can be to lose those opportunities to fix things. ]
[It's almost funny, how many people keep telling him that. He knows, intellectually, that it's meant to be a comfort--but in truth, all it does is drive that guilt more deeply into Kaveh's chest. Buzen did understand. That was the worst of it.]
He's the one who told me they knew about D before the trial. [Which had felt like such a personal betrayal at the time.] I was so upset about Rin, and I'd voted incorrectly, and... at first, I'd thought he was intentionally protecting D. But even after I calmed down and I realized they were trying to help us figure it out... I couldn't help feeling like there was more they could've done.
[It's one of the drawbacks of being a so-called genius, of being surrounded by other people who carry that same moniker. It's so easy to see the what-ifs from the outside, in hindsight. And Kaveh has never handled being hurt very well.]
After last week, it felt kind of nice to have space again. For a few days, anyway. And then... [And then, all of a sudden, Buzen was gone.]
[ he's listening. he doesn't try to interrupt or even try to say he understands while kaveh's talking, but he does seem to get it if the emotional dip of understanding and faint...feeling of something like hurt is anything to go by.
even if kaveh wasn't angry anymore, it's not like it's hard to figure out why he felt that way and that it wasn't such a stretch. time to cool off and hope that they could regroup later. but that's...always the way, isn't it? doing something or making a decision, and then losing someone before making amends.
so he's silent as he thinks of how to reply. ]
...it's hard to get past feeling guilty about not quite making things right before it's too late. And it doesn't help to hear, right now, that Buzen wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it. Even though I know you know that's true, because that's sort of the person Buzen was. [ there's a pause. ] If you could, what would you say to him, you think?
[It's a good question. Something he's asked himself a thousand times since his father's death, but one that he hasn't put much thought into here, with those they've lost. The hurt is too recent, the wounds too tender. Kaveh's quiet for a while as he thinks about it.]
I would tell him that I'm not angry anymore. [First and foremost. That one is easy, because he'd specifically told Buzen he was still mad.] I would tell him that I was ready to keep trying--that I wanted to keep working with him to find another way. That he didn't have to do anything differently for me.
[He knows Buzen's last thoughts had to be for Matsui. But Kaveh hates to think that Buzen had spent even a moment, that night, feeling frustrated that he hadn't done enough, all because Kaveh can't keep his hurt to himself.
He looks down.]
...And that I'm sorry we couldn't help Matsui and Rang.
[ there's a lengthy pause as he lets the words sit and ruminate. they're all kind sentiments, and with someone like kaveh it's easier to believe he actually would mean those. he takes a few moments to let him absorb what he's said, and after that, jonas continues with varying degrees of hesitance. ]
...when my mom died, there was a lot that was left unsaid between us that I could never really quite fix. I wish I'd been able to have more time to try, in the end, but it just didn't work out that way. But I do like to think that putting it out there...maybe the words would reach her somehow. The sentiments and everything.
It doesn't change that it obviously hurt, but it did sort of help to try and figure out how to keep going. Maybe that'll help here, too. Putting those thoughts out there for Buzen to pick up in a different afterlife? [ a pause. ] Or maybe that's stupid to think but...just a thought.
[Weh, Jonas. Immediately, Kaveh's emotions shift as his attention turns more toward Jonas--there's clear sympathy there, but he makes a conscious effort to pull it back as best he can. He knows, too well, what it's like to be on the receiving end.]
No, you're right. It's a good thought. [...] My mother used to do something similar. Rather--she wasn't very talkative, so she kept journals. ...She didn't write as much after my father died, though.
[Sometimes you're just here, vibing in the dead parents club]
[ he appreciates it. he'd only said it as a way to try and convey that he might understand where kaveh's coming from, about living and being left behind with regrets for the deceased. it's not really something he's addressed with anybody else, having that lingering guilt and never quite getting closure before actually showing up here. but this isn't about that. this is about kaveh, and it's why he keeps his focus on that. ]
Supposedly journaling's a good way to process everything left unsaid and everything you can't really figure out. But even then, sometimes, when you lose what you want to say...[ he shrugs. ] I get it.
[ vibing in the dead parents club...what a terrible club to be a part of, actually, and there's an equal ping of sympathy right back. ]
Nahida and I were talking about trying to find a way to, like, leave a notebook or something for the Erased that people can leave their messages in. Maybe that's an option that's still on the table for anyone who feels up to it. But there's nothing wrong with writing things out just for yourself, too. Or doing what you did and saying it out loud.
Mm, Ylfa mentioned something similar. [I don't remember when that conversation happened though so if he time traveled mentally don't worry about it] Something about her world and Netzach's having magical books, if I recall.
[Not that it needs to be a magical book, of course. But, y'know.]
Ylfa and Gerard's world is...complicated. From what I understand. [ he's gotten bits and pieces about it from both of them and it still makes his head throb trying to grasp all of it. he is but a simple normie. ]
First time I'm hearing anything about actual magical books from Netzach though. All I remember is that he's, like, bound to his library and thinks he should be a book right about now. [ this is veering off topic, a little, but now he's curious? like damn. ]
Maybe I'll ask him a little more later. It never...feels comfortable just going to people I don't know that well and asking them to tell me more about their world. So I don't for a long time and then by then it feels like the opportunity passed. You get it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohthehumanities) wrote2023-06-16 10:38 pm
no subject
That's how Jonas finds him, later in the day. Like the skeletal framework of a burnt-out building, Kaveh sits in the park, gazing out over the lake. There's a hollow sort of mourning to him, which, at least, is probably better than an empty void.
There are times when he wants nothing more than to shy away from being perceived, hating the idea of saturating his friends in his ever-present misery. But today isn't that day. Today, he knows, all of them are shocked, are hurt, are devastated in their own ways. For once, he feels no guilt or shame about it.]
I don't mind. [His voice is raw, which, well. He'd obviously been crying. But he shifts, making room for Jonas.] Though I won't be good company.
no subject
everyone's hurting today. it'd be shitty to think that anyone should have to feel bad about what they're feeling, and it's why jonas shrugs. ]
I don't think any of us are good company right now. Which is probably why we're all good enough for each other right now in the first place? [ a pause. ] Sympathizing and everything.
no subject
Eventually:]
I knew he didn't want to live. But I thought it would be his choice.
no subject
the thing is...it's not even something that's wrong to say. ]
Matsui told me...that they were never planning to win. So it should have been. It should have been their choice entirely instead of having their hands forced. [ the second "they" is a reference to matsui and rang, because that bothers him, too. ] Having that option taken away just feels like a kick in the teeth.
no subject
...Buzen wanted so badly to protect us. [Softly.] I never even told him I wasn't angry with him anymore.
[It was naive, in hindsight. Stupid to forget that there was no guarantee they had any time. But he really hadn't thought he'd lose his chance. He'd never dreamed that someone would go after Buzen--not this soon. And Kaveh couldn't do a thing about it before the rest of Buzen's team slipped through his fingers.]
no subject
...what were you even angry with him for? What happened last week? I feel like maybe Buzen was the type of person who'd understand. [ and so maybe it isn't so bad, even if jonas is well-aware how crushing it can be to lose those opportunities to fix things. ]
no subject
He's the one who told me they knew about D before the trial. [Which had felt like such a personal betrayal at the time.] I was so upset about Rin, and I'd voted incorrectly, and... at first, I'd thought he was intentionally protecting D. But even after I calmed down and I realized they were trying to help us figure it out... I couldn't help feeling like there was more they could've done.
[It's one of the drawbacks of being a so-called genius, of being surrounded by other people who carry that same moniker. It's so easy to see the what-ifs from the outside, in hindsight. And Kaveh has never handled being hurt very well.]
After last week, it felt kind of nice to have space again. For a few days, anyway. And then... [And then, all of a sudden, Buzen was gone.]
no subject
even if kaveh wasn't angry anymore, it's not like it's hard to figure out why he felt that way and that it wasn't such a stretch. time to cool off and hope that they could regroup later. but that's...always the way, isn't it? doing something or making a decision, and then losing someone before making amends.
so he's silent as he thinks of how to reply. ]
...it's hard to get past feeling guilty about not quite making things right before it's too late. And it doesn't help to hear, right now, that Buzen wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it. Even though I know you know that's true, because that's sort of the person Buzen was. [ there's a pause. ] If you could, what would you say to him, you think?
no subject
I would tell him that I'm not angry anymore. [First and foremost. That one is easy, because he'd specifically told Buzen he was still mad.] I would tell him that I was ready to keep trying--that I wanted to keep working with him to find another way. That he didn't have to do anything differently for me.
[He knows Buzen's last thoughts had to be for Matsui. But Kaveh hates to think that Buzen had spent even a moment, that night, feeling frustrated that he hadn't done enough, all because Kaveh can't keep his hurt to himself.
He looks down.]
...And that I'm sorry we couldn't help Matsui and Rang.
no subject
...when my mom died, there was a lot that was left unsaid between us that I could never really quite fix. I wish I'd been able to have more time to try, in the end, but it just didn't work out that way. But I do like to think that putting it out there...maybe the words would reach her somehow. The sentiments and everything.
It doesn't change that it obviously hurt, but it did sort of help to try and figure out how to keep going. Maybe that'll help here, too. Putting those thoughts out there for Buzen to pick up in a different afterlife? [ a pause. ] Or maybe that's stupid to think but...just a thought.
no subject
No, you're right. It's a good thought. [...] My mother used to do something similar. Rather--she wasn't very talkative, so she kept journals. ...She didn't write as much after my father died, though.
[Sometimes you're just here, vibing in the dead parents club]
no subject
Supposedly journaling's a good way to process everything left unsaid and everything you can't really figure out. But even then, sometimes, when you lose what you want to say...[ he shrugs. ] I get it.
[ vibing in the dead parents club...what a terrible club to be a part of, actually, and there's an equal ping of sympathy right back. ]
Nahida and I were talking about trying to find a way to, like, leave a notebook or something for the Erased that people can leave their messages in. Maybe that's an option that's still on the table for anyone who feels up to it. But there's nothing wrong with writing things out just for yourself, too. Or doing what you did and saying it out loud.
no subject
Mm, Ylfa mentioned something similar. [I don't remember when that conversation happened though so if he time traveled mentally don't worry about it] Something about her world and Netzach's having magical books, if I recall.
[Not that it needs to be a magical book, of course. But, y'know.]
no subject
First time I'm hearing anything about actual magical books from Netzach though. All I remember is that he's, like, bound to his library and thinks he should be a book right about now. [ this is veering off topic, a little, but now he's curious? like damn. ]
no subject
Mm, I don't know much about it. [Netzach's world, he means.] Just that his world is... dangerous and unpleasant.
no subject
Maybe I'll ask him a little more later. It never...feels comfortable just going to people I don't know that well and asking them to tell me more about their world. So I don't for a long time and then by then it feels like the opportunity passed. You get it.