He did mean what they spoke about, before trial. He doesn't enjoy all the struggles he's gone through--takes offense, even, at suggestions that hit a little too close to home about the reality of his life. But that doesn't mean he can change on a dime, and it certainly doesn't mean he has control over his own deep-seated emotions.
So whenever they pass each other, Kaveh will greet him with a quick smile--just the same as he would almost any other "normal" day. But as soon as they're in range, poor Kazuki will get hit with an undercurrent of exhaustion, sorrow, worry, and most of all, deep, lingering guilt.
[This is what life with crippling mental illness is like, Kazuki! Hooray!
This would normally be the part where he backs away and apologizes--but he worries that Kazuki would take that poorly, so he just kind of. Stands awkwardly still and waits for Kazuki to... ask him what the fuck is wrong with him or something, probably.]
[ that kaveh doesn't move away is... surprisingly reassuring. as overwhelming as it is, kazuki is a little grateful, that kaveh is standing by his word to try, that he's actually trusting kazuki with this.
that doesn't mean he knows how to respond to it, though. his mouth works in silence, a few stops and starts, and finally he settles for, ]
[Meanwhile Kaveh is just kind of dying inside because this is the literal worst!! But. He promised to try. He curls into himself, a little, and averts his gaze, like he's trying to give Kazuki the time and space to figure out what he wants to say.]
There's no need for that. You didn't know. [Please don't be, this is my problem, not yours he wants to say--but he holds it back.]
[ yes, there's sympathy there, and he doesn't exactly hide it. all the same, he feels a little like he's seen something he shouldn't, like the effect itself and kaveh staying in its range is kind of his own fault. he did ask not to be shut out, but this isn't really what he had in mind - everyone here, projecting for the whole world to feel. it's too invasive.
as he adjusts to the weight of it, his own emotions starts to reach back for kaveh - worry, of course, but also hesitant curiosity, and a baseline of anger and dissatisfaction spreading in all directions. ]
[Ah, well. That's not so bad, really. He can handle this.]
To be honest, I'm not sure even I can pinpoint a single reason. Things just... started going downhill after my father died. [There's a noticeable pang of guilt and sorrow, there--but it's old, and it's snuffed quickly.] You could say it was after my mother remarried and left for Fontaine, or after rebuilding the Palace of Alcazarzaray burned through my funds... I don't know. It just seems like every time I try to get back on my feet, something else goes wrong.
[He really had meant it, what he'd said on Saturday. He doesn't enjoy living this way. But at the same time... well. There's comfort in familiarity. In pain that's more deserved than any kindness he's ever been shown.]
Some things are a result of my own actions, and others are just bad luck. Things were starting to look up a little, but then...
[ oof, oof, oof. you always hear stories about people with such incredibly bad luck, who never seem to be free of hardship, but hearing it put so simply like this... kazuki can't really help feeling sympathetic, but he does try to rein it in. he knows kaveh doesn't want that. ]
And what happened last week would've made it worse, too. [ rubs the back of his neck. ] You really can't catch a break, can you? And after all that, you still keep trying to help everyone else.
[ kazuki definitely isn't that good of a person, so he can't help but admire that. ]
[The attempt is appreciated, though in truth, Kaveh doesn't really recoil. In a way, he'd resigned himself to this as soon as he realized what was going on this week--it's more surprising that a good number of people have let him be.]
It's all I can do, really. [Be it atonement or empathy--and does it really matter which, in the end?] That's the purpose of society--to support one another.
Maybe, but... I think most people wouldn't bother, especially if they don't get anything out of it. Or they'd take advantage of people like you who do try to help.
Mm. I mean, I can't really say you're wrong. There are plenty of bad people in the world. [Kaveh does have faith in humanity, as a whole--but he's a fully grown man. He's seen people being themselves--cruel, greedy, desperate--any number of times.] ...But I think it's worth it, even so.
[ the answer is like a reflex, but almost immediately, his emotions stutter with uncertainty. ]
I-I mean, I saw her right before waking up here. [ his gaze drops to the ground as worry begins to bubble up inside of him. ] She was still there, but... Hana was looking at me, so...
I think she's alright. [Like. He has no proof, obviously, but at least he seems to believe what he's saying.] I was with friends too, and they're not here.
[ it's easier to take this at face value, even if kaveh has no real reason to think that. why think about something he can't know or do anything about? it's better to believe she's okay.
as he nods, the worry wanes a bit, but doesn't fully leave him. ]
She's fine. [ like he's trying to convince himself. ] She's a cop, and her coworkers were there and everything. They could handle it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ohthehumanities) wrote2023-06-10 01:04 pm
week 2, monday
Okay
Well.
He did mean what they spoke about, before trial. He doesn't enjoy all the struggles he's gone through--takes offense, even, at suggestions that hit a little too close to home about the reality of his life. But that doesn't mean he can change on a dime, and it certainly doesn't mean he has control over his own deep-seated emotions.
So whenever they pass each other, Kaveh will greet him with a quick smile--just the same as he would almost any other "normal" day. But as soon as they're in range, poor Kazuki will get hit with an undercurrent of exhaustion, sorrow, worry, and most of all, deep, lingering guilt.
So uh. Have fun with that!]
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K-Kaveh...san...
[ what is all this, dude?? ]
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This would normally be the part where he backs away and apologizes--but he worries that Kazuki would take that poorly, so he just kind of. Stands awkwardly still and waits for Kazuki to... ask him what the fuck is wrong with him or something, probably.]
Hello, Kazuki.
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that doesn't mean he knows how to respond to it, though. his mouth works in silence, a few stops and starts, and finally he settles for, ]
Kaveh-san... I'm sorry.
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There's no need for that. You didn't know. [Please don't be, this is my problem, not yours he wants to say--but he holds it back.]
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[ yes, there's sympathy there, and he doesn't exactly hide it. all the same, he feels a little like he's seen something he shouldn't, like the effect itself and kaveh staying in its range is kind of his own fault. he did ask not to be shut out, but this isn't really what he had in mind - everyone here, projecting for the whole world to feel. it's too invasive.
as he adjusts to the weight of it, his own emotions starts to reach back for kaveh - worry, of course, but also hesitant curiosity, and a baseline of anger and dissatisfaction spreading in all directions. ]
...Can I ask why?
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To be honest, I'm not sure even I can pinpoint a single reason. Things just... started going downhill after my father died. [There's a noticeable pang of guilt and sorrow, there--but it's old, and it's snuffed quickly.] You could say it was after my mother remarried and left for Fontaine, or after rebuilding the Palace of Alcazarzaray burned through my funds... I don't know. It just seems like every time I try to get back on my feet, something else goes wrong.
[He really had meant it, what he'd said on Saturday. He doesn't enjoy living this way. But at the same time... well. There's comfort in familiarity. In pain that's more deserved than any kindness he's ever been shown.]
Some things are a result of my own actions, and others are just bad luck. Things were starting to look up a little, but then...
[Then they ended up here.]
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And what happened last week would've made it worse, too. [ rubs the back of his neck. ] You really can't catch a break, can you? And after all that, you still keep trying to help everyone else.
[ kazuki definitely isn't that good of a person, so he can't help but admire that. ]
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It's all I can do, really. [Be it atonement or empathy--and does it really matter which, in the end?] That's the purpose of society--to support one another.
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You sound a lot like my sister, sometimes. She felt the same way - I don't know how you guys do it.
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Carefully:]
Is she...? [Still alive, or...?]
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[ the answer is like a reflex, but almost immediately, his emotions stutter with uncertainty. ]
I-I mean, I saw her right before waking up here. [ his gaze drops to the ground as worry begins to bubble up inside of him. ] She was still there, but... Hana was looking at me, so...
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I think she's alright. [Like. He has no proof, obviously, but at least he seems to believe what he's saying.] I was with friends too, and they're not here.
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as he nods, the worry wanes a bit, but doesn't fully leave him. ]
She's fine. [ like he's trying to convince himself. ] She's a cop, and her coworkers were there and everything. They could handle it.